This Is What I'll Be Wearing On My Hypothetical Trip To Iceland That Will Probably Never Happen

If you want to donate to my "I'm Going to Iceland" Kickstarter, please start one and click the PAY OLIVIA link.

Dec 28, 2012 at 4:00pm | Leave a comment

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Me, in my NOT spa bathtub that I can't even fill with water because I don't own a plug. 

I just finished all of my leftovers and I got everything I could ever want from friends and family because I am a massively spoiled brat. Christmas comedown is HARD though and I am feeling the Yuletide withdrawal. So I am going to Iceland. I don’t know when, or how, or, like, why exactly, but I am going to go to Iceland and it is going to change me.

This is why I will be going:

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I would like to be here, thanks.

Are you kidding me with this underwater massage shit? These are what spontaneous orgasms are made of. With that, I welcome you to the BLUE LAGOON: A FANTASY THAT WILL NEVER LEAVE YOUR MIND EVER.

I have been obsessed the the Blue Lagoon GeoThermal Spa for an excruciatingly long time now.  My favorite thing about this place, aside from the mellow vibes, is that I could waddle around naked all the time there. The two things in my life that really have always came naturally are waddling and getting naked. Thus, the only thing I will be wearing will be this:

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The sexiest rape whistle. 

You don’t wear many clothes to Blue Lagoon as far as I can see from the website, so you must accessorize. Wear this sexy gold whistle and you can pretend to be a lifeguard.

This one is perfect too: 

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Piercing thier eyeballs with sex.

Those little menacing spears dangling between your lady pillows are both sexy and dangerous. Slip into this massive raw stone ring and you are pretty much a wood nymph from "The Hobbit" that is secretly really good at blow jobs. 

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IF YOU WANT ME COME AND CLAIM ME. 

Ugh. Eventually though, you will have to put your clothes on to eat or something. I know, I know. I’m being a downer. 

This is the perfect sweater for like right when you get out of the spring and you get a little cold but you still want to look hot because the Swedish water polo team is right there and they think you are American and cute or whatever. 
 
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"Comfy Slut"

So, you slip into this essential sweater and you are still naked with that, "What do you MEAN? I just WOKE UP this way!” Marilyn on the beach mood and you let the shoulder of the sweater fall off just a bit and fucking SIRENS go off because you just set the Blue Lagoon on fire. 

Not. Kidding. That move is a total go-to. It makes wieners bleed. I promise. 

Pair these boots with the above sweater and now you have the perfect Truffula Tree look, minus the color obviously. 

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Like shoving your foot in the butt of an inside out rabbit. 

 

This is a fucking fur hat dude. You need it for this trip, obviously. 

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You need this.

I was GOING to write something about yoga pants and how they make your ass look like two newborn babies hugging your butthole but then I woke up from my stupid "Someone loves me so I don't have to try anymore" dream and remembered that I still need to put my best foot forward. (Don't hate me too much in the comments for that one, I'm young and silly and stupid.)

Yes, I want to sit in a hot pool of warm Icelandic pee water, forget that the Internet exists and remember to focus on the breath. HOWEVER, looking like I don't own a mirror is not an option for me. I am vain. So even on vacations I want to look FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC. Sometimes that means just packing the one outfit you would be cool being seen in on your viral sex tape. TRYING TO LOOK GOOD IS THE NEW "WHATEVER." Sorry, I don't mean to drop my truth bombs so loud.

That is all I've got for today. I am going to go and take my sexy as hell work-at-home clothes and try to kick it with the coffee man down the street so I can, again, go back to doing my real job.