Let me preface this tale with honesty and full disclosure: I love attention and taking any opportunity for people to look at me.
You also probably know that I love comments/compliments on my choice of apparel, and that I am a skilled fisherman of said comments/compliments. My favorite strategy is wearing something awe-inducing, that will elicit “There goes that Courtney Brunson changing the course of the fashion industry again!” types of nods and affectionate smiles.
Case in point, these blue-laced sneakers covered in poop emojis:
I will give you a moment to process the glory, as there are also explosion emojis in between the jovial poops.
I strategically chose to wear my sneakers on the Lord’s Day, Super Bowl Sunday, where I would be spending the evening filling my stomach with beer, hot sauce, and poultry arms (oh, and fried cheesecake bites) at Buffalo Wild Wings.
Normally my articles are tongue-in-cheek and light-hearted, but this piece is serious because I am now an enlightened being. Please join me in my journey, on the Day of the Smiling Poops.
Tying the laces of my poop sneakers brought a feeling similar to what I would imagine Simba felt while being lifted before the animal kingdom – I was ready to bestow upon the world my regal gift. My swag level increased at an exponential rate with each step I took in these shoes, compounding my pre-existing swag and ultimately transforming me into a confident, radiant, celestial being, not unlike our Beloved Queen Beyoncé Knowles.
I walked – no, sashayed across the streets of New York, plebeians respectfully clearing my path for easier access to my chariot, the express downtown A train. Boners rose across the city in salute of my magnificence, reaching for a chance to be blessed by me and my feet. My travels brought to mind a quote by Mother Teresa: “Spread love everywhere you go, and let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.”
For anti-social New Yorkers, the only way to look is down while on the subway. In my poop-laden presence, however, the only way to look was up, in the kind eyes and comforting smiles of my sartorial turds.
One couple seated across from me held hands while we bumped along the tracks, smiling knowingly at my shoes like you would anticipate expectant parents to beam at a swaddled baby. Yes, I thought gently, I also know the feeling of unwavering love.
My entire train-ride and subsequent walk – no, saunter to Buffalo Wild Wings consisted of unwavering eye contact with me and the poops, as well as solicitous chuckles of affectionate disbelief. How could someone’s feet look so . . . so . . . flawless? “This magnificence is attainable for you all!” I cried into Times Square’s bustling streets. “We are all made of stars!”
When I finally made it to the restaurant, a jewel-encrusted throne was brought to my party’s table, which was seated closest to a projection of the game. Due to the gravity of my choice in footwear and a quick shuffling of my feet, the earth spun faster on its axis, resulting in a jaw-dropping final play, and a victory for the New England Patriots. I won the Super Bowl. You’re welcome, New England.
Although I deserve cornucopias of gifts and thanks for blessing the world with my perfectly clothed being, I would like to thank BetaBrand (the crowd-funded brand responsible for the creation of these beautiful sneakers) for honoring me with such magnetic vessels of beauty and grace. I would also like to thank my family at xoJane for allowing me this platform to narrate my experience of enlightenment. Finally, I would like to thank myself for being so captivating and refined, and for finally reaching the peak of stylish excellence.
I can only hope that the future holds creation of more emoji-laden articles of clothing, like eggplant-covered pantaloons to seduce a lover, or a moon-face-covered scarf to keep me warm in the chilly air. Until that day comes, I can only lie in bed patiently waiting, wishing upon the stars.
As the wise J.R.R. Tolkien once said, “A single dream is more powerful than a thousand realities.”
Follow Courtney on Twitter and Instagram @courtneypizza