The Breast T-Shirts for Big Monster Super Jugs

A couple of fine shopkeepers are offering a nice half-way point between the giant baggy shirt and the too-tight baby tee with a monkey wearing a backpack on it.

Sep 25, 2012 at 9:00am | Leave a comment

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This is my favorite James Perse t-shirt. I'd get a shot with my boobs in it but it's in the laundry.

Big breasts are great. They're good for makeshift paperweighting, crushing cans of beer, or making a cartoon wolf's tongue turn into stairs. But finding stuff to cover them in can be kind of a nightmare. Like, for instance, the humble, cotton tee.

They key to shopping for your mega-rack is to be patient and open-minded. I know that there are certain styles I will never be able to pull off -- anything with cap or puff sleeves, or sequins, or those pretty linen tanks that only look good on women with little pretty spider-bite breasts. But also -- never say never. A lot of it is digging, and knowing when to shell out for something nice and when to buy something cheap because you're just going to bust through it with your confounded pleasure sacks and their accompanying battering-ram nips. While I have never in my post-pubescent life been lucky enough to fit into a DeLiA's chemise, there are a couple of fine retailers offering a nice half-way point between the giant baggy shirt and the too-tight baby tee with a monkey wearing a backpack on it.

But before we begin, a word to the busty wise: If you are a C or above, you must, must, must own this bra. It does magical things to your front junk, comes in pretty colors, and is a steal at $50. It looks equally good under a t-shirt or with a sweater, or in a filthy sext to someone you don't love. (I'm an F but I wear it in DDD.)

OK! Let's shop for shirts, you minxes. I included photos from the sites here, even though most of these women are dinky of frame and fashionably breastless. Just use your imagination and pretend like they're all smugglin' medicine balls in there.

J. Crew Vintage Cotton
The key to being breast friendly is, of course, forgiving material. Sometimes, the thinner a shirt is, the better it is at accommodating you, in some kind of bizarre fabric paradox. These are whisper light, and I hand wash mine while listening to Etta James "Stop the Wedding" to maintain their shape and terrify my neighbors.


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$29.50. They're not dirtypillows, mama, all women have them.

Vince
God, I love you, you pricy whore. I've never not loved anything I've worn to total death, but, man, if it isn't expensive. I know, I'm almost thirty and I should know about investment pieces and staples, but I still find myself plunking down for dozens of H&M shirts I'll never wear because they're only $20 when I should be buying something really nice that actually fits. Vince is it. It looks good on everybody and it feels like wearing sex.


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Soft as the hair of a man named Vince probably is.

James Perse
James. I loathe your 1, 2, 3, 4 type of sizing. I don't know if that's European or what, but in this country, we speak English. I've never ordered a "tall" coffee and I'm not going to try to decode your stupid system. But, damn if my tits don't look great in your tops.


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James is kind of an underrated band, too.

Splendid
People complain that the word "awesome" is overused. Let's start using "splendid" instead, shall we? Splendid! Say it with me, like a British dad: SPLENDID! Okay, like most clothing for ladies with disproportionately large breasts, you definitely have to try before you buy. But a lot of their stuff is cut for a fuller figure and it's so damn comfortable.


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CAPITOL! Just capitol! And other Britishisms.

Ella Moss
Garments that are overly roomy can be the natural enemy of the generously proportioned, since we tend to think that they're flattering and they make us look like that garbage bag you stuff discarded gift paper into at mass present-unwrapping events. But a lot of EM's stuff is proportioned just so, and it's almost all modal or jersey cotton, so it's got that good stretch. It's more expensive, but I still have stuff of hers that I got in college, so, worth it.


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Ella, Ella, Ella, ey ey ey.

Anthropologie's Sale Room
They don't have a whole hell of a lot on the site, but if you go to the stores, you can usually find a lot of pretty stuff without a bunch of dumb bows and birds and shit on it. They've got a bunch of different brands, but I'd suggest going to the store and to that little sale room. It is a treasure trove of stuff with Good Stretch for the busty.

All Those Stores Where We're Not Supposed to Shop
I know some people find American Apparel ethically problematic, but I've had great success with some of their stretchier tees and dolman tops. (Although yes, this shit runs small, so prepare to size up.) The same goes for Forever 21, which will last for about one washing but can look amazing on your whorish figure for a wear or two, if you can put your politics aside in the name of making your bosoms look swell.


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FXXI: remarkably flattering, sometimes.

THE PAAAAAAAAST
I know, I know. But nobody makes a good 50/50 shirt like they used to. Go check out eBay's vintage stuff and look for stuff in that magic, super flattering cotton-poly blend, or comb your local church basements and yard sales. You don't have to get a shirt with something on it like I do like an asshole. But nothing flatters your rack like a shirt that somebody's already banged down in a van.


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Yes, these are my gym clothes and yes, I know my mirror is filthy.

OK! What are your favorites, you Hendricksian sirens? Show me your picks.