I have pretty big boobs. Not so big that people remark upon them or that I cant go about my normal life. I wish they were that kind of big and at one point they were before losing weight turned 44DDs into manageable 36-big-C-or-small-Ds. If they were free, I would have giant novelty circus implants like the girls on "Rock of Love."
I just love real Russ Meyer JUGS and women with bodies so ridiculously proportioned they look like cartoons. Dolly Parton is my style icon.*
But mine are big enough that I could accurately call myself busty in a Craigslist ad. Big enough to fall with a satsfying whoomph when my bra is removed. Floppy heavy natural bazooms, you know? Weighty. Slappable. They look good, I think.
But as an amply bosomed woman, I have finally realized that it's time for me to give up on strapless bras. I feel like we've been in an abusive relationship for years -- I believed their lies, I gave them second chances, I let them make me feel and look uncomfortable and despite all evidence that it wasn't working out between us, I kept trying, kept hoping.
But you know what? Ladies with big ones just shouldn't be wearing those things. They don't work. They do not hold my business up, and I have to constantly adjust them all night. I cannot bust a move, or perform an impromptu sun salute in one. You can try to prove me wrong with your miracle solutions and the latest in bra technology, but honestly, I have already moved on.
I no longer torture myself by even trying on dresses that require the strapless. No more tube dresses, halters, backless, or spaghetti straps. I have accepted that these things, they are not for me. As with all things in life, acceptance is freeing.
Say it with me: I am a woman with large-ish breasts and strapless bras do not hold them up in a manner that is comfortable and attractive. Breasts, I release you from this conical prison, to live out your destiny in freedom and happiness. Amen.
And it's OK! I have high-waisted pants, lovely on my 5'10 frame. I have maxi dresses, which make me look 10,000 feet tall. Let someone else go strapless. This feels so good, I'm ready to give up on even more body-inappropriate trends and styles. What's next?
*Specifically, these lyrics: "A pair of false eyelashes/and a tube of cheap lipstick/A pair of worn-out high heels hoes/And a dress that doesn't fit"