SPOILER ALERT: There will be no flapper dresses in this post. There will be spoilers, just no beading.
When I told Jane the love-story-with-a-happy-ending featuring yours truly and the Loeffler Randall ankle boots worn by Taissa Farmiga in season three of American Horror Story, she told me I could write a column about it. Best boss ever, right?
I love American Horror Story. I love leather goods and vampy outfits and I will, proudly, admit that I spent several hours searching for the aforementioned ankle boots and several more hours finding them on sale (6pm.com, blessed are you among e-commerce sites). I've had to get them resoled because I wear them so often and every time I zip them up I purr to myself, you are the supreme.
It's a great feeling. I want to share it with you.
When I first got the go-ahead to write a weekly AHS-themed fashion column, I wanted to give you guys the exact fashion credits. I assumed that there were PR girls out in the world that would happily send over a list of designers featured in every episode. After all, I wouldn't settle for boots that looked like murder-vadge-Zoe's boots. I wanted those exact boots. I wanted to watch my favorite show, pick an article of clothing and tell you where to find it (and buy it for myself and be the supreme).
I asked Alison Freer. I asked Jane. They both (kindly) pointed out that exact details lie in the power of stylists and are monetized and are not sent out willy nilly to interested low-level editors.
"But Jaaaaane," I whined like the least likable of Willy Wonka's victims, "InStyle has a Shop Your TV Feature. Why can't we have one too?"
"It doesn't work like that. It's an expensive and time-consuming process. Just do your best."
"But I'm scheduling drinks for you and Ariel Foxman and so I should get special treatment and it's not fair!"
"Well, write that then. It will be wonderful."
Then Jane went to the dentist and I started writing this not-exactly-the-same-as-on-the-show fashion article. Instead, I plucked one "look" out of this week's AHS: Hotel episode that I loved and that is also practical (which was not easy because Ryan Murphy decided that this week would be almost exclusively exposition and I am not going to recommend that anyone waltz around in a sequin flapper dress.) so, I present to you:
"SHOP AMERICAN HORROR STORY: BUTTON DOWN SHIRTS TO WEAR WHILE BREAKING VAMPIRE TWEENS OUT OF MENTAL INSTITUTIONS"
Button downs -- the article of clothing for any occasion! Throw one on under a cashmere sweater and blend in with the vamp fashion editors who roam the halls in your office OR wear one sans layers and knock out a security guard to sneak into a high security wing in a mental hospital. So versatile! So much wow!
While I can't tell you who designed the shirt that Detective Lowe was wearing when he broke a twitchy blood virus infected forever-tween out of a psych ward, I can write about the $6 (clearance rack, bitches!) button down DKNY boy's shirt I purchased at Marshall's that I wear buttoned all the way up and verily enjoy.
Button down collared shirts for all! Tell me what your favorite brand is! Tell me how much of a fail this article is! More importantly, did you watch last night's episode? Do you care to read about the fashions in the episode two weeks from now that, Ryan Murphy willing, will feature something other than period piece costumes and gowns from Lady Gaga's personal collection? Is this rambling article-thing better than a Thursday Open Thread?
Let's talk about it in the comments while I absolutely spend my morning digging for TCK clues on the AHS reddit thread.