Rising From The Ashes In Style: My Post-Post Apocalyptic Wardrobe

Let's get resurrected!

Apr 17, 2013 at 6:00pm | Leave a comment

I mean, the world is ending soon. Don’t be an asshole, it is. We have destroyed the earth and we are all being constantly zapped by wi-fi waves and we will all be brought down to hell on a silver cancer cloud and that is what we get for being imperfect animals who invented fucking Gogurt.  
 
Oops. Don’t mean to be so dark. Look at this.
 
So, I was GOING to write something about apocalypse fashion. But that is almost as played as the 90s. But once the Four Horsemen peace, we all have got to pick ourselves up by our singed bootstraps and start anew in another dimension.
 
So when we rise up, we will all be flowy and angelic and pretty much have our shit together finally because utopia is real and I’d like to be there now, please. 
 
In this Post-Earth Utopia, we will all rise to a world where there are no more constricting clothing. We will have completely done away with darts and seams and we will just be chilling hard in the desert wearing dresses like this:
 
 
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Nice leg. 

 
This dress is also perfect, but only available in the UK, I think. Linen is important because it breathes and keeps you cool when the sun is scorching you to the point of being completely covered in boils (which actually, will not happen because after you are resurrected you are immortal).
 
 
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I am pretty sure this dress would hide a large boner. 

 
I mean, this sweater is everything. Even though I fundamentally disagree with clothes that are pre-holed because holes are earned through a real punk rock lifestyle of getting your clothes caught on things. That said, this is a great one if you are clean or something. Honestly though, I don’t know anything about fashion, what I DO know are COSTUMES
 
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Yes, this is straight from the party scene in the Matrix. 

 
Moving on through the wasteland.
 
Campers are like the roaches of the shoe world. They will be around forever because they are made of something weird that means they cannot be destroyed. Or so I’ve heard, I’ve never had the bills to afford a pair. HOWEVER, in rebirth, currency is a fucking joke. These are the shoes you will wear as you float from the ashes of civilization. 
 
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SHE JUST HATCHED OUT OF HER EGG FOR A SECCOND TIME, A BITCH NEEDS FLATS. 

 
Honestly, though I am getting freaked out by all this white, even in my resurrected state of nirvana. I need something a little darker, and so will you because the flashbacks of fire and brimstone will still be a part of you. Which is why there is NO QUESTION that you will wear this
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Everybody should be grateful that I’m not super rich or else I would wear this headdress to work and I would make it common and it would no longer be unattainable and cool. ACTUALLY, on second thought, fuck all the clothes. Just wear this headdress and you will pretty much be set. You are a FUCKING PHEONIX now and you don't need clothes. Just porcupine antler hats. 
 
Let's figure out a plan for the end of the world together. Follow me on Twitter! And Instagram