You know that scene in Fifty Shades of Grey, where after a night of hot and steamy sex, Anastasia makes Christian pancakes in his white collared shirt? She’s dancing around and hee-hee-hee’ing, until his fucking MOM shows up, and SHE JUST LEAVES THE SHIRT ON clearly looking like she just got fifty shades of penis!?!? And then the mom is like “Oh, hehe, haha, nice to meet you Anastasia.” WHAT? I just had an aneurism.
Wearing a guy’s white collared shirt post-coitus is the most obvious sign that you have been banged — the classic “walk of shame” uniform. We see it in movies, but not so much in real life, where a penetrate-ee is more likely to escape past a hallway of roommates in her club dress from the night before.
Maybe you found this guy by right-swiping on Tinder, or by sliding through his DM’s. The only important factor is that in the morning, you don’t want blueberry pancakes. You want to GTFO — not because you’re ashamed (sex is awesome, duh), but because follow-up interrogations and side-eyes can kill that O-glow. I’ve got some styling tips for sexual adventurers who want to keep last night’s playtime on the low.
H&M Striped Jersey Skirt, $4.95
This look is casual yet day-to-night appropriate, in case the sex is good and you need to tell all of your friends. Instead of a white collared shirt, steal one of his white V-neck T-shirts or a concert tee. Layered with a loose jacket, his neighbors, roommates, or mom (okay, let me stop) won’t recognize it. The key is to go out the night before in minimal clothing — a T-shirt slides right over a slinky dress and will match a simple skirt. Also, assuming you didn’t stash a du-rag in your clutch, your hair probably looks like shit. Stuff it all into one of his beanies.
If you really must wear a collared shirt (idiot) wear it like this Pinterest style queen and own the fact that everyone knows you hit a home run. Speaking of running, you may want sneakers to RUN PAST HIS MOM (okay that was the last one, I seriously just can’t get over it). And again, regarding your messy hair, tie it up in a bandana.
Smudged eyeliner and mascara streaks are acceptable to an extent. If you go out knowing that boning is a possibility, keep your clutch stocked with some morning beauty saviors.
Rimmel ScandalEyes Mascara, $5.49
Individually wrapped coochie wipes can be discreetly stored in a small purse, and make everything smell nice and fresh down there. If a penis is involved, make sure that is also wrapped — I’m such a good influence. Wipe off smudged eye makeup with facial towelettes (I’ve included a travel-friendly Yes to Cucumbers pack of 10), and then reapply a fresh swipe of mascara. Storing foundation in your purse is an unrealistic makeup expectation, so a Touche Éclat highlighting pen will suffice. For lips, choose a product that can double as a cream blush — I like Fresh Sugar Lip Treatments for this. What am I forgetting? Oh right, your stank breath! Bring a toothbrush, too. Hopefully you’re sleeping with someone that owns toothpaste.
My best advice for selecting a human to fornicate with: Choose a stylish guy with nice clothes to steal, but not so stylish that he’ll want the clothes back. If you’re sleeping with another girl — well that’s pretty freaking lucky because you can basically wake up and go shopping. My friend just started dating this hot cougar, and I think they’re the same size. Ugh. Jealous.
Has a guy ever walk of shamed out of your apartment in your clothes after dipping the wick? Ooh, or have you ever hidden your lover in a closet like in the movies? I want to hear some stories . . .
Slide through Courtney’s DMs on Instagram and Twitter @courtneypizza