PANTY RAID! Cute Underwear That Won't Give You a Yeast Infection

Not saying that you won't get one, anyway. Just some picks for the vage-obsessed and paranoid.

Jan 27, 2014 at 2:00pm | Leave a comment

I think I do almost everything to get my vagina to hate me: I wear really tight jeans, usually made with some synthetic fiber, ‘cause I have a cartoonish butt-to-waist ratio, and need the stretch. When I go into the office, my winter work uniform consists of crotch-rot inducing tights. I have sex with guys I meet on Tinder. (Joking. Ugh, wait, I’m not.) 

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Necessary.

Sometimes I go two or three days without leaving my apartment, showering, or changing my clothes, as I work for myself and lose track of time when I’m engrossed in -- whatever. And when I do get dressed to enter the real world, I wear those panties full of man-made materials. You know, those 5 for $25 pairs that don’t allow your vagina to breathe. As it should

Between working for an eco-conscious magazine and moving around a shit-ton, I’ve become sort of a minimalist when it comes to belongings. But not in the panty department! The more, the better, I say. 

I will forever remember the half-horrified look on my new roommate’s face when I unpacked my BLACK TRASH BAG full of panties my freshmen year of college. Poor girl.

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Those red gingham ones came with a matching top IN A PICNIC BASKET that was so cute I almost died. They're from Peter Alexander and are actually 100% cotton. 

Owning a ton of underwear isn’t about having a safeguard against laundry days. I just like panties! I mean, I probably don’t like them in the same way the guy who informed me that he found wearing women’s panties “erotic” and “exciting” at the bar last weekend after we talked for a full four minutes did. (I Cheshire Cat-smiled and eye-signaled for him to move along, in case you were wondering how that conversation ended.) 

Maybe it’s the bright colors, fun patterns, and frilliness that my outerwear wardrobe lacks. Like, if you ever see me wearing a bow or in polka dots or anything with a ruffle, you’ll know I’ve gone completely mental. 

When it comes to panties, all is permitted! Show me a lime-green pair with hearts and a ribbon woven up the back where your butt crack’s supposed to go and I am ALL OVER THAT.

Upon my last yeast infection though, I decided I needed to purge my stash of synthetic, airflow-restricting panties and get some more breathable pairs. 

Blame it on the Great Ovary Twist of 2013, and then landing in the ER again on NYE when I was having more lady-parts problems and everyone overreacted because of my history with the torsion when all I needed were some antibiotics and painkillers. But I suddenly felt compelled to do everything in my power to make my sex organs happy (Two transvaginal ultrasounds in one year is one too many, I also say.)

Or maybe I just wanted an excuse to get more panties. Hm. 

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Crotch shot! Wearing a passion fruit lace pair from Hanky Panky.

EVERYONE knows that breathable fabrics are better for vaginal health. Synthetic fabric traps heat and moisture, making your vage an optimal breeding ground for bacteria. We've been told over and over again to opt for 100% cotton underwear -- the most breathable fabric. But 1) those are kind of hard to find, 2) many of them are hideous, and 3) it's really only the lining of your panties that matter. 

Hanky Panky is a brand that EVERYONE knows about -- they boast the "World's Most Comfortable Thong." I wasn't convinced to join the Hanky Panky cult until I found they have some pretty underthings with 100% cotton lining. And yeah, they're really comfortable. Like commando-style comfortable. 

I also found this other brand, Knock out! Smart Panties that have wicking fibers built into their 100% cotton liners. I got the Lacy Thong ($30) which is sort of sexy-hot-hot and super comfortable.

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Front and back of Knock out's Lacy Thong, $30

The lining in these panties is a much heavier fabric than that of your average panty. They're not bulky, though. I didn't realize until reading the website that they're marketed for all kinds of bodily, erm, issues -- there's a lot of "no pad required!" action going on. So if you're paranoid about spotting, or peeing when you laugh or run a half-marathon, or are pregnant or whatever, these are for you, too. 

Underwear that's both adorable and made with breathable fabric tends to run on the steeper side, price-wise. That may mean you're purchasing fewer pairs than you would be with those 7 for $35 guys. But you're paying for quality and design.

Personally, I would happily give someone $300 if they told me I'll only have to visit my gyno for an annual pap for the next couple of years AND THEY MEANT IT. (Don't try.) 

Of course, Fruit of the Loom and Hanes sells packs of 100% cotton panties for like, $10. These simply don't satisfy my desire for frills and things.

And this isn't all to say that synthetic panties cause yeast infections, or any other lady-parts problems, for that matter. Or that I'll be throwing out all of my other panties! (That could cause a "Hoarders"-style panic attack, for sure.) Just a few options to consider when experiencing any vagina-related paranoia, as yours truly does, ALWAYS.

I never talk about my vagina this much on Twitter: @caitlinthornton