As y’all know, the beautiful higher ups at xoJane let me have a little baby soapbox to sit on and scream about fashion and being weird and stuff. It’s really nice of them.
That said, when I found out I could write for the site, I RAN WITH IT. I decided that I KNEW SHIT, I have made a few really crazy rules for clothes that you may or may not give two boiled turtles about. Some are universal (Birkenstocks are not cool) some are arguable (Crocs can be rocked, when they have to be) and some are just downright bullshit (I don’t care what anybody says, vintage band T-shirts are fucking stupid and you were a spermling the last time that band played a decent set.)
Here are a few of my rules:
- Flip-flops are morally wrong, unsanitary and dumb.
- If something is baggy, it must also be far too short.
- I have chosen silver. This means no gold.
- Only wear shorts and heels if I have protection, like a big friend or strong condoms.
- Do not wear black and brown together.
- Shoes are either flat or four-plus inches, anything in-between is a waste of time and calf muscle.
All right wenches, what are your arbitrary fashion rules? Don’t have any? That’s cool -- tell me how wrong I am.