I Know It's Kind Of Hipstery, But I'm Super Into Novelty Tanks Right Now

Read my tits.

Jun 17, 2013 at 12:00pm | Leave a comment

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It all started with my "I Have Issues" tank top, which is honestly the perfect life accessory for an oversharing recovering addict who let the clock time out on calling her father yesterday because, you know, DADDY ISSUES. It felt so good to just put that shit out there on my chest that I started wondering what other messages I might like to transmit to the world via tank top.

Burger and Co has some other awesome options including "Sleazy," "Lie Cheat Steal and Listen to Heavy Metal" and this one, so perfect in its simplicity I could almost cry:

See also:

I do! I do like butts.

I put the word out that I was on the hunt for the perfect novelty tank, and Alison Freer tipped me off to Swell, and this awesomely weird "Kooks Only!" tank.

 

She also told me: "I love those cheesy men's shape tanks -- the more Jersey Shore the better. The bootleg ones they sell on Venice Beach here are par excellence! We had a character on a show I did who exclusively wore crappy $5.00 boardwalk tanks. 

They are so good on girls, because the straps are way wider so your bra doesn't hang out. Plus the neck is cut higher so people can't look right down your shirt at your boobs. They are also a more generous cut so they don't hug and grab your guts. Mad flattering. That Misfits tank I wore when I came to the office last month was from Hot Topic!"

 

I've also gotten mildly obsessed with this seller "Flunk Life" on eBay -- she makes shirts and 1.25-inch buttons with sleazy 70s slogans like "There's No Life Like Low Life" and the below:

I don't have the follow-through for that tank, but I did purchase a "Gimme Head TIl' I'm Dead" button and the "Go To Bed With Motorhead" T-shirt.

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My new motto

When I was a chubby pre-teen, it seemed like half the stuff in the plus-size section had some sort of overweight animals or food item on it and I was all AS IF I would ever wear a T-shirt with pizza and ice cream cones all over it, why don't I just go ahead and throw a Big Gulp at MYSELF from a moving car?

But these days I'm a sucker for a food print, or anything with a burger on it, like this Triple Burger Crop Top from Fresh Tops, modeled by xoVain's Annie K.

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But maybe it's not enough for you to just wear a burger, maybe you want to BE the burger.

I discovered Buy Me Brunch on Fab.com, where they're currently having a sale. I really liked the "Polite as Fuck" tank top, but I am too polite to wear the word "Fuck" on a shirt, so I bought "Part Wolf" instead, then gave it to Olivia when it was too small for my titties. She keeps talking about Sharpie-ing in a "Y" and making it "Party Wolf."

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Olivia Hall, Party Wolf

If "I Have Issues" is the new xoJane Team Tee, I'm anointing the following, from feather hearts, the official uniform of the xoJane commenters:

 

Wear it with pride, you are the most discerning babes I know. (See also: The Bad News Babes relaxed fit T.)

And while we're sticking together:

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Hoes Not Broes Tank, Bitching & Junkfood, $75

This one's pretty good too:

I would actually argue that dumb is sometimes cute -- babies, for instance are adorable and they're stupid as hell! But I still like this "Dumb Is Never Cute" tank top from Urban Outfitters.

And this one, perfect for days when you can't be bothered to wash your hair or vagina.

Jane already gave you a preview of my latest acquisition, this neon pink "Party Naked" tank, which you guys speculated says "Fart Naked" because you are GROSS.

(Speaking of partying, this "I'm Fat, Let's Party" T-shirt is now and forever my jam.) But these days I party sober, which is why I'm into Sober is Sexy, a line of tanks and Ts for the fashionable alcoholic/addict, with slogans like "Don't Die" and "Make Love, Not Meth." And my personal favorite, which references my sobriety and my aspartame addiction in one catchy slogan:

I could probably show you 5 million more of these but you get the idea. What dumb tank top slogans are you into? Does anyone know a good place to customize your own Ts and tanks? I really want one that says "Don't Read the Comments."