You all are really big nerds. I’ve tested the waters with some really lame references, and you’ve gotten them all. Additionally, I really enjoy being single (LIES) and I have no intention of trying to be like sexy anymore because my love of TV Time ALONE has overpowered my need to be little spoon. That said, I’m about to out-nerd myself because this is a fashion statement that is so effing cool and I’ve been doing for awhile and I want it to catch on.
So, what do Patti Smith, Queen Elizabeth, Gandalf the Grey and Guy Fawkes have in common?
You want to know why capes are so amazing? Because you can look amazing and not even try. Drapery is like the hubcap of the fashion world. It makes your Toyota look like a Bentley with one flick of a wrist. Magically, you will look like you OWN SHIT. Seriously, people in the art world have been doing this for DECADES, and they are like poor as shit but have to look rich to sell art. People love poor artists though, but there are barely any of those in the artworld anymore so who cares.
Alright, this is my favorite cape. Guess what ass-holes? YOU CAN’T BUY IT. I got it a few years ago at MUJI and they don’t sell it anymore. It is boiled wool and it is amazing. Haha. No worries, there are more purchaseable capes coming up I just wanted to give you photographic evidence that I do in fact, wear capes. No joshing.
So first we will do drapey capes. Throwing a cape over your shoulder is right below side-flipping your hair on the Hot As Balls scale. This one from Land’s End is amazing. It is wool and has absolutely no closures. So you will be flipping this over your shoulder constantly.
Well, this thing is fucking perfect. I can’t even call it a cape, so I’ll call it Christ. It’s Alexander Mcqeen though, and that is what heartbreak feels like.
This next one I love because it seems like you wouldn’t have to bother with it too much. It sits obediently on your shoulders and the big X in the middle looks like you are about to go to war to on "Game of Thrones."
Side Note: Can we do away with the army jacket now? Thanks, it has been like TOO LONG and everybody has one and it is played out and you are practically admitting sartorial defeat when you wear it.
Alright. Let’s get a little more structure. Everybody loves structure and sometimes the constant flipping is TOO MUCH.
Haha, just kidding (kindof). This is Thom Browne, and it probably costs a million dollars. As well it should, because it is brilliant. In the future we will all look like this.
Hello, classic structured cape. This guy has pretty much everything you need. Buttons, a collar, and large swaths of fabric to nestle in on your way to brunch.
Finally, I don’t own one of these but I think they are super cool. I love the idea of a cape dress. This is chic as fuck and you will totally look like a neon space succubus once you put it on. And, its ZARA which is mass produced so you can get it pretty much anywhere. SHOUTOUT TO THE MIDWEST.
I think that about does it. Honestly capes are really hard to find so here are some helpful search terms:
Batwings (kind of different but similar armpitless vibe)
Oversized Scarf (same difference)
Alpaca and/or Boiled Wool (This is a longshot, but these materials are the BEST for capes. Look these up.)
OK cool, I think we are all on the same page now. You are all my best friends and I love you to the ends of the world. Now, please follow me on twitter and I will DM you a picture of my ankles.