When I was at the dumb I-don’t-know-how-to-dress-myself-but-I’m-SERIOUSLY-TRYING age of 13, I used to frequent two stores. One was Rocks In Your Head, which was like your typical, like, cool-kid record store where, like, nobody talks to each other but everybody is watching each other and once the sales guy realized that I was getting FAT CHECKS from my babysitting gig he gave me stacks of records to buy and I did because that dude was a STONE FOX.
The OTHER store was down the street AND IT WAS EVERYTHING. It was called GIRLPROPS and it was PINK AND FUCKING ZEBRA PRINT. Am I the only person who lives in NYC and remembers this place and like dies for all of the crazy tin shit that was in it?
Nothing (pretty much) was over 10 dollars and it was easy to steal from there because there were always gaggles of teenagers freaking THE FUCK out over all the colors and tin things. (That makes me sound like I used to casually shoplift which actually never happened because I was too skittish and scared of getting caught.)
Well I just stumbled over the website and let me tell you, this place has STOOD THE TEST OF TIME. Here is the nutty shit I found walking down memory lane.
Yep. This is how I feel when all of the crazy people in my office are always talking about -- I don't even care. I think this necklace is appropriate, because we don’t shut up. Like, ever. Unless Emily says so, in which case we all try to make jokes but we are actually just cowering in the shadow her awesomely terrifying serious "I need to run a fucking website" face.
These fucking RULE. Want to know why? Because I LOVE SMOKING. I have been smoking for 10 years and I look forward to every cigarette I get to smoke every day because I am young, dumb and immortal.
I am super into things that have faces on them. Like this is total dentist office art and I’d like to have it, thanks. I don’t even know HOW one would wear a "scarf clip," but I’m pretty sure it’ll make me look like a rich bitch which is how I want to look all the time because I am poor.
Well, the “Mystical Lucky/Evil Eye Pendant Necklace” looks cool, duh. It is almost like TOO ON TREND (shout out to Opening Ceremony) but the name is actually perfect. I like to think of myself as Lucky/Evil because I like to gamble, and I also like to make children cry.
I think this is for those nights where you feel like putting on totally awkward chainage and then you get drunk and inevitably fall all over yourself because your nude heels got caught in the “I’M AT THE CLUB, BITCH” leg jewelry you happen to be wearing.
These sunglasses are “steampunk” which is something I SHOULD write about but you have got to be careful because that's a look that can really spin out of control and make you look like the baton twirler of the shithead parade. These are cool though.
How do you feel about enamel? I thought it was kind of stupid until OMG WHO MADE THESE AND WHY? When you see these in the store you may pass over them because they straddle kitsch and ew-gross ugly and that is a tough horse to ride. There is a way to wear this though. I mean, club kids could (and probably do) wear these. I think they could really "spice up" an all black outfit because who doesn't love a teeny tiny (optimistically) female politician?
OKAY. THIS IS THE GRAND FUCKING HO-LEE-SHIT FINALE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? IT MEANS “For Me To Poop On.” What the fuck are teenagers doing? What does this mean? Are you inviting somebody to poop on your chest? Is this like a burn directed at everybody who looks at your tits? Are you like ACTIVELY LOOKING for something to POOP on? I can't even. (Note: Tell me you remember the part in Please Kill Me when Lou Reed asks if he can poop on someones chest assuring her that he will use a plate, so its totally cool.) I thought I knew all the cool kid shit but seriously I am BAFFLED. (Second Note: I Googled the phrase, because I am a hard hitting journalist and yes, yes, that dog from Conan. However, still doesn't explain why people would want to wear it.)
OK, now go forth and multiply your jewelry closet at Girlprops. You can start with this Cock Pin.
Tweet at me plz. I get really lonely.