So, I’m sitting in the clubhouse right now and I’m totally pretending to do my REAL JOB, but actually I feel inspired (ohmigod, Mandy takes the hugest breaths it's insane) to write for my favorite weiner-hausens. Don’t tell Emily. Haha, just kidding, NOTHING GETS PAST THAT B.
All right, so starting at the beginning. I had to stop buying clothes. I live in a kind of perfect apartment in the Bushwick area of Brooklyn. Within my haunted former sewing factory of a home lies my little micro bedroom. It holds a bed and a dresser. If my dresser drawers do not close, I cannot get into my bed. It’s pretty puzzle mania chic, if you ask me. I found myself sleeping in the dresser drawers recently so, I had to put a freeze on buying clothes.
Don’t worry, I’m still filling my void somehow and have decided to buy jewelry. Gobs and gobs of jewelry. I recently found Etsy
and I just started buying so much shit on it I cannot even begin.
So, I’ll begin.
I am a fan of rings. These are my fork and spoon rings. You can find them pretty much anywhere on Etsy but seriously when I tell people that these used to be eating utensils, they FLIP THEIR SHIT. “Oh my GOD. A FORK! THAT’S AMAZING.” No, it’s not, dude. It is metal-working, and braindead Orcs can do it. (Wow, that reference.)
Look at my weird panda hands!!!!!!
I also love "Battlestar Galactica" (‘SUP NERDS), you know that. The above photo also features my fave FRAK ring. If you don’t understand why this is FUCKING AMAZING
, scroll on because I don’t have time to explain it to you n00bs.
On my “to buy when I’m feeling impulsive” list are these, practically standard first knuckle rings from everybody’s Williamsburg standby, Catbird. They are pretty affordable at $28, and they deliver. I don’t have one, so I can’t vouch. But yeah everybody is wearing these and they do look super cool so you should skip dinner tonight and just go for it
I mean, you can't really see the ring in this, but I pulled this from the actual Catbird website and it is kindof the funniest, weirdest product shot ever. Bravo Catbird.
I have to do this even though it will inevitably bite me in the ass in one way or another (but hey, some people are into that.) You know how like everybody is starting their own jewelry company? All right, some of my buddies have hopped on this train and some of their shit is pretty rad.
Take a look at sweet sweet Alison Lou
who had this nutso idea to make high-class emoticon jewelry. LOL AMIRITE? Full disclosure, I went to college with Alison. So, little known insider fact: she is devastatingly good at Guitar Hero. Not just the guitar, she can also do the drums AND the turntables. Girl got diamonds and major stand-up video game skillz.
This is Sam wearing AlisonLou. I made out with him once. It was magical.
Also, guys. I DO NOT want to hear it about the price point on this. I know it is expensive. But these are EFFING DIAMONDS. Obviously they are going to be steep. This is the type of shit you SAVE UP for. Or if you have tons of cash, you buy it on a Sunday or something. Either way, you guys need to come to terms with the fact that sometimes things are expensive. Let's celebrate diversity.
My very own Regina George circa 2002 started a little jewelry company
of her own called Medulla Oblongata
, or something. A friend sent me a link a few days ago, so I opened it. They are rings that are inspired by old, white ladies in books we read in middle school, like Jane Eyre and Anna Karenina. They are very cute.
Another thing on my "Buy one day when I need to make myself feel whole" list is anything from Flying Fox Jewelry
made by my sweet lovely friend Kristi. I love this girl because she is absolutely charming as hell, but you know she could throw down with a blowtorch if she had to. Kristi is a little elf from Brooklyn who welds these beautiful but creepy little pieces that are made to order. You have to contact her to buy them, and you should. These bone pieces are my favorite because they remind me of a Nine Inch Nails video and I’d like to have Trent Reznor for keeps.
What did this tooth EAT before it was a necklace?
OK, stick with me on this one. I can’t lose you now.
Bey does it. Mandy Moore did it. Watch me, snatches: I’m wearing a belly chain. They are so weird and Futuresexy
(god, did I create a monster with THAT one). It has a simultaneous throwback and 2053 vibe. A little bit of high school beach party and zero-gravity bondage all mixed together. Etsy is crawling with this shit. So literally just search it. I got this amazing simple one:
I'm honestly not sure if this is a good sell, but yeah, they are coming back.
OK, the chain is cool and all but I love the creepy shit (see: Trent Reznor Crush) and frankly, nothing would ever make me happier (except, well, real
happiness) than if I had one of Zana Bayne's harnesses. Pretty much this woman is so far ahead of all of us. I mean I guess Prabal gets it and he is pretty mainstream, but still, THIS WOMAN IS FUCKING PERFECT. I don't know her personally (much to my dismay) but seriously, I am actually saving up for this piece
How perfect is it? How amazing would boobs look while hugged by leather straps? I would like to put this on and bow at the altar of Zana Bayne please. Thank you.
Finally, I obviously I have got to shout out to our main babes across the pond
Tatty Devine who fashioned these super personalized, super beautiful nameplate necklaces:
The perfect, beautiful, awe-inspiring Alison Freer has written about this before
so I'm not going to get into it. Just want to let ya'll know I'm part of the team.
I love jewelry so much, I die. If you want to treat me like a queen (I put out) you can send me the Cartier Nail Bracelet
that was just re-released. In silver. KIDDING (not kidding.)
If I get 800 followers I will tweet a video of me dancing to the "Thong Song"... again. @BlackOlive15