So, I have been smoking since I was about 12. I say this not to try to be cool (because trying to be cool is decidedly not cool, the fucking cavemen knew that) but to explain why it takes me EONS to get warm. People who have smoked heavily for 10+ years actually have no effing circulation because our stupid inner tube blood cells are full of holes or something and can’t hold oxygen and I’m obviously making all this up but it sounds pretty good, right?
In college, because I went to school in upstate New York, which is a miserable drug-soaked ice tundra, I started donning these massive scarves. This one in particular:
As well as being a robot ass-kicking future whore, sometimes I am not that confident feeling and I can’t strap on my latex one-piece and I just want to HIDE. Sometimes I feel like I am wearing what I call a "meat necklace," which is when the space under my chin feels swollen and I can only see a salami beard in the mirror. So, I hide it in a giant scarf that makes me feel all safe and wool placenta-y.
Honestly, babes, before we really get into it, let's be real: We can make this stuff. I’m no, like, Etsy bitch, but like this is really just a big piece of fabric. Don’t get it twisted, I’m into commerce and all that (WOO ADVERTISERS) but there is no need to spend a hundred bones on half a bed sheet. Just get a bed sheet and bring it to your tailor and have him hem it. Same shit. (Would you want to hear about how to use your tailor to his/fullest extent? They are the effing best and I WOULD DIE if I didn’t have a reliable tailor around.)
The KEY to a giant scarf is actually not the scarf itself but how many times you wrap it. Is this like dumb and a total DUH moment? Are you all like slamming your computers being like UGH WE THOUGHT THIS BITCH KNEW SOMETHING BUT NOW WE HAVE TO BUTTSEX HER IN THE COMMENTS.
Whatever, roll with it.
Depending on the size and the thickness of the fabric, you really just need something that is at around five feet long. The width of the fabric doesn’t REALLY matter because five feet of ANYTHING wraps around your neck so much it will make you look like you are trying to fake your way through a fraud case (fraud = lies = mystery = sex).
I love the knits, too, though. I can’t make this myself even though knitting is like COOL now. I also love this scarf because it covers half your face, which makes you look mysterious.
OK, then I found this guy on Etsy (TRUTH: I have never bought anything on Etsy, ever. But I know you guys are down with it and I really just want you all to be nice to me in the comments):
Honestly though, I don't know if it is ugly or not. That is something you need to know about me -- sometimes I make BAD CHOICES. Like once I was decorating my house with my friends in college and I was like “Hey guys, why don’t we glue platform shoes to the walls like there is a disco ghost walking up the walls?” and all my friends were essentially like, “Get. Out.” I think it's pretty next level, though.
This one is ONE-HUNDO-PERCENTO acrylic and will feel like nails on the chalkboard that is your face. It's cute though!
Oh! Then sweet sweet @hannahejo walked into the office and was all like, "Oh, my friend makes these sick scarves in my native land of Canada, check it out," and it is pretty much the same as what I have but it is FREE TRADE BLOODLESS ARGENTINA WOOL. Buy this and support Hannah's pretty friends.
Are you ready for DEEP CUTS?
All right, once you've got your giant misery scarf, you can further hide your insecure face with a pair of winter sunglasses. I like how they sit atop the front of your scarf so just the tip of your nose barely peeps out like a chode.
Black matte sunglasses are KEY, for pretty much everything all the time. Every good lookin' person should have them (NOT Wayfarers though, we need to stop that whole thing, like, yesterday). I always have a rotating cast of sunglasses because I throw them on my bed and I like sleeping with fat dudes and they always crush my sunglasses during private time. That is why I can't have nice things.
These are a little more than I would spend on sunglasses (CLASSY BROAD, HERE) because I buy them on the street. If you live in a city where street vendors are not actually totally cutting edge, spend the extra 30 bones and INVEST in these or something like them. You will always feel a badass in them. Promise (no promises on weekends though).
Oh, and then the all-knowing Modcloth wizards suggested these and they made me wee myself and I don't think they go with the miserable-winter-smoker look but they are amazing and the model is a stone fox and I'd like to meet her and make her my friend.
That is all I've got, folks! Keep your dirty little faces hidden this winter because nobody wants to see the snot running down your face. KIDDING. You are all beautiful angels and I love it especially when you tweet at me because I am really truly alone in this world.
Be my friend and follow me: @BlackOlive15.