How To Pull Off Wearing Nothing Under A Blazer And Keep Your Titties In Place

What if I were to tell you that achieving the most pragmatic day-to-night ensemble is as simple as taking off your bra?
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Courtney Brunson
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What if I were to tell you that achieving the most pragmatic day-to-night ensemble is as simple as taking off your bra?

Here’s the thing with dressing sexual – it requires foresight. 

If you wear a crop top you’re basically deciding not to eat for the rest of the night. (Eff that!) If you wear a tight dress, you’ve decided to cross your legs for the whole night. (Eff that too, vaginas need to breathe!) 

But what if I were to tell you that achieving the most pragmatic day-to-night ensemble is as simple as taking off your bra and storing some pasties in your purse? That’s right, no bra is needed and you can eat pizza.

It seems like every celebrity is dressing (or their stylist is dressing them) in a sexy version of Yves Saint Laurent’s classic “Le Smoking” suit. Essentially the trend consists of wearing a slim fit blazer with absolutely nothing underneath – that’s right no top, no bra, no nothin’. 

I’ll credit Miley Cyrus for being the first to kill this look at the 2013 American Music Awards in a sleek, all-white suit. Rihanna, however, changed my entire life by being all “Bitch, bye” to her pants while wearing only a Stella McCartney blazer, some sheer black tights, and of course, a tattoo across her chest. Rihanna, get out of my face with that body.

I am not brave enough to let my cheeks out in a blazer dress or wear white pants (subway seats are covered in skid-marks and bed bugs), so I decided to take a more subtle approach in the outfit below.

My tame interpretation in a NastyGal blazer and Zara pants.

My tame interpretation in a NastyGal blazer and Zara pants.

Since I am tall, broad-shouldered, and relatively flat chested, I’m constantly aware of proportions. When wearing a blazer with shoulder pads, I have to rely on strategically scrunched sleeves and a tapered waist to avoid looking like a giant cardboard box. I’ve also found that wearing slim cropped pants with a tailored blazer maintains a feminine silhouette.

My boobs are roughly the size of grapefruits (actually that’s being really generous) so you mainly see my chest and ribs, plus a little bit of side-cleavage action. I could probably get away with a lower-cut blazer, plunging if you will, but I’m too ratchet to make it through the night without at least one boob falling out. 

If you have tig bitties like Kim K, opt for a looser men’s fit blazer. Heels can keep you from looking frumpy by supplying some height, so a short and feathered skirt isn’t particularly necessary.

To avoid having your chesticles go “heyyyy errbody” and fly out of your top, keep these tools in your purse.

Hollywood Fashion Tape, $10.97

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I love a good side boob as much as the next person, but fashion tape along the inside of your blazer’s lapels will keep your deep neckline from sliding around. Small containers like these are extremely travel friendly.

Nippies Skin, $24

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I’m personally not offended by visible nipples (hey, you already knew it was cold), but having them rub against the inside of a jacket for hours hurts.

Safety Pins

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Pin the area around your blazer’s button to avoid a Janet Jackson bra-ha-ha moment. Safety pins are also essential towards the bottom of your jacket if you prefer not to show any belly meat.

It is possible to wean yourself off of wearing clothing under your blazer. Nicola Peltz stole my heart in a swingy blazer and shorts with just a teeny tiny bralette underneath. The bra was hardly visible, but necessary considering photographers shoot downward to capture front row looks during Fashion Week. Her blazer was also completely open, so a bra seemed necessary. Sorry, Kim.

Wearing absolutely nothing under your blazer is sexy, but still appropriate for an event or restaurant date when paired with pants, and can also be sexed-up with a quick change into a skirt or shorts. After work, just shove your bra and tank into your bag and you’re ready to give those boobies a night on the town.

Can you guys help me come up with a name for this trend? I’m thinking “empty-blazer” maybe. Discuss!

Send Courtney pictures of your boobs on Twitter and Instagram @courtneypizza