I was driving to the grocery last week when I spied Los Angeles legend Angelyne chillin' next to her hot pink Corvette. I of course screeched to the curb and jumped out to say hello, as she is one of my very favorite local characters.
When I first moved to LA in the 1990s, Angelyne's face (and breasts!) were everywhere, peering down from billboards and bus stops all over Hollywood. I remember calling my mom back in Texas and saying "Oh yeahhhhhh, this is the place. Chicks drive around in hot pink sports cars just like real-life Barbie dolls!"
Angelyne is the original Kardashian -- 'famous' just for being famous. She was rollin' deep in pink Corvettes since wayyyyy before Paris Hilton even thought to buy her first Pepto-Bismal hued Bentley.
Chatting with Angelyne never disappoints -- she is charming and coquettish and sweet and manipulative in a way that's almost impossible to explain. Plus she makes pretty fab music videos.
My joy at getting to see Queen Angelyne faded pretty quickly, because HEY, WHADDYA KNOW? When I returned to my car, a very kind meter maid was writing me a $93.00 parking ticket! Turns out I'd parked with about three inches of my wheel into the portion of the curb that appears to have last been painted red in about 1976. Calling it RED is actually a misnomer. It would be more accurate to say that I parked in the pale pink.
Did I mention that the city of Los Angeles is somehow going broke right now? I find this pretty shocking, considering they have the ability to just write themselves a check for $93.00 any old time they feel like it. That $93.00 could buy a lot of adorable trinkets!
But I'm sure the City of Los Angeles will be doing something way j'boring with my $93.00, like fixing potholes. I'd be way less miffed at splashing out $93.00 if I was allowed to buy Officer Contreras, the hard working meter maid who ticketed me, something pretty with my cash, because he's totally worth it. (Yes, Officer Contreras, hereafter known as "Ofc. C", is indeed a man.)
Maybe some saucy underwear?
I'd like to sign Ofc. C up for this fancy panty delivery service called [ENCLOSED]. It's a undie concierge that delivers a curated pair of impossibly fancy French lace undies to your door for 1, 3, 6 or 12 months. (They stock pieces by real-deal fancy pants brands like Lou Paris, Eberjey, Mimi Holiday, Samantha Chang, Huit, Maison Lejaby, Mary Green and more.) Secretly wearing fancy underwear under your polyester meter maid uniform pants is a great way to walk the streets with confidence!
That railroad nailhead bracelet is the perfect combination of naughty and nice, letting the peeps Ofc. C tickets know he means business.
Perchance he'd like a fetching teapot?
After a hard day in the current 75 degree Los Angeles winter, I'd love for Ofc. C to relax with a hot cup of tea, prepared in an adorably twee little teapot.
Or an adorable coin purse?
Maybe if I gave Ofc. C a cute coin purse, he'd be obliged to slip an extra nickel in someone's meter before it runs out. You know, as a common human courtesy? Pay it forward and all that.
How about a pair of whimsical shoes?
I just walked the mall for work ON BLACK FRIDAY. I win. Your horrible job can never compare. A pair of glitter encrusted shoes with personality galore would have helped ease the pain -- something I'm sure Ofc. C could appreciate.
Can't forget a winsome handbag!
No fashionista meter attendant should be caught dead wearing his or her ticket machine on their pants like a plebian! Having an adorable handbag in which to stash his ticket-writing rig should lead to Ofc. C whistling while he works.
Maybe a cute, shrunken denim jacket?
Or some glam techno-gadgets?
These pearl or kitty-kat headphone sets are the ultimate accessory to help Ofc. C drown out screeching motorists he's just given a $93.00 ticket to. He can simply point to his ears and say "I can't hear you!" and be on his merry meter maid way.
He'd also appreciate some fantastic coffee table books, no?
How about a cozy, furry, fake leopard coat?
I knew I was keeping this awesome designer who makes hair combs and bracelets out of vintage dentures bookmarked for a reason! Pay close attention to where you park this holiday season, and use my story as a cautionary tale. If you manage to avoid a parking ticket, go buy yourself something pretty with the $93.00 you save, ya hear?
Visit me at: AlisonFreer.com