My mother worked as a retail manager at Victoria's Secret when I was a child. On days when school got out early or the babysitter called in sick, I would find myself stuck in the stock room, sorting bras and doing my homework.
I knew what a demi cup was before I needed one, I was familiar with the mechanics of a push-up bra early on, and most importantly, I was well acquainted with the idea that it could go either way for me.
I could end up with huge boobs that required a size DD or tiny little A cups. I actually ended up with tiny little B Cups. I have often found myself wishing for something more significant to combat the swing of my hips (muffin top). But by the same token, many of my large-breasted friends wish for smaller, lower-maintenance boobies that would slim their silhouette.
My husband regularly says to me when I complain about my boobs, "I've never dated a woman that liked her boobs."
While I find this reminder irritating due to it's inherent implication of the high number of tits he's seen in his life, he's also on to something. Big, small, saggy, perky, floppy, pointy, or flabby, we should all learn to love what we have. And that goes for women with weird nipples, too. You know why? Because there are no weird nipples. (I've just come to terms with that one recently.)
And all of this brings me to my real point: In an attempt to Try Anything Once, I think I have discovered a bra that will work for each and every one of us. Yeah. You heard me. Ladies, I introduce to you ... THE GENIE BRA!
Yes, I found it on QVC and yes, the commercials are, in fact, infomercials but HEAR ME OUT. The Genie Bra purports to hold your jugs up with no underwire at all. Better yet, it's supposedly seamless and really comfortable, offering unparalleled support, and -- get this -- it hides your back fat.
Also, there are no cup sizes. You buy the bra based on your shirt size and it promises to hold up whatever size boobies you put in there. So I bought the thing in a medium and I slipped it on over my head. I was immediately surprised by how comfortable it was. That much they are right about.
While standing in just the bra I felt like my boobs looked a bit pointy, but once I put the shirt on they looked entirely normal. I jumped up and down and they seemed to stay put. I turned around to look at my back and I gasped. THERE WERE NO BACK FAT ROLLS. I stared at myself in the mirror skeptically. Could this really be true? Is this bra ... a genie?
I decided to take things to the next level. Enter: my friend Tamara. She has got some bazongas. Spell check isn't recognizing that word so maybe I made it up. The point is, she's got big boobs and thus, I got her a Genie Bra and we did a little test.
Keeping it real in a 36D, Tamara wears the exact same bra size as I do in the Genie Bra. Isn't that crazy? She was skeptical when I gave it to her over dinner.
"I think I need a large," she said, but I grabbed the bra and stretched it almost the width of the table and implored her to trust me.
"It's VERY comfortable, and I love how it hides my back fat," she emailed me the next morning. That night, she and I went out dancing, both in our black Genie Bras and no one stopped us to ask why our breasts were sagging, so I think that means they weren't.
When I saw her a week later, she pulled her shirt over to the side and bared the strap proudly.
"Haven't taken it off!" she said. "I've worn it EVERY DAY."
So then I decided to up the ante again. If the Genie Bra could support size B and D breasts, could it support the breasts of a mother of three? The answer to that is: YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT IT COULD.
"This fit you and Tamara?" my friend Sara asked me. We were standing in her bedroom, her three girls running around in circles. "There is no way this fits you and Tamara."
"Oh My God!" cried her 12-year-old, Celia. "Tamara's boobs are huge!"
I gave them both a knowing glance and Sara put it on. And despite her feeding three girls over 10 years from them, her boobs looked awesome in the Genie Bra. I believe her exact words were, "Jesus, this is comfortable."
Before I left, I had to promise each of them their own Genie Bra, which was fine with me since they come in packs of two anyway. That's right. A mom and her preteen daughter are going to wear the same size Genie Bra.
So there you have it folks, A, B, C, D or HH, I'm going on record as saying this bra might be the panacea we've been looking for. What do you guys think? For 10 bucks (Bed Bath and Beyond sells a pack of 2 for $20), it's worth a shot, right?