I own a million coats. Well, slightly less than a million. I currently own 15 proper coats, but that’s not including jackets, which I am not going to count because I have other stuff I want to do today. Of those 15, I regularly wear five or six. I justify this in a couple ways: for one, I live in a region that gets legit cold and where it snows (and ices) on the regular from November through April. This means I not only get snowed on, but I also fall down a lot -- this isn’t hyperbole, I fall down at least twice a week in the winter -- so my coats are always getting wet. Thus, I need many coats so they can dry in between wearings.
The other reason is that I grew up in South Florida, so from the ages of birth to 18 I owned ZERO coats, and I figure I get to have a lot now to make up for the deficit.
Finding cute coats to keep my fatness warm has always been a challenge, although it’s one I have obviously risen to, since I OWN 15 COATS. This collection is rendered even more absurd given that everybody knows that fat people don't feel the cold with all our many layers of protective blubber! Unless you're Marianne and are inexplicably freezing at all times.
Just for giggles, though -- and because one of my Twitter friends asked me -- I'm bringing you a selection of awesome plus size coats and jackets, to enable you to more easily blend in with the normals and their sad blubberless woe when they're all BRRR IT'S COLD. Because while a beluga whale may look ridiculous wearing a coat in December, that doesn’t mean you have to as well.
In the US, we call this weave houndstooth. People in the UK sometimes call it dogtooth, or differentiate between houndstooth and dogtooth -- houndstooth is a bit smaller than dogtooth, although this doesn’t make a lot of sense to me because while not all dogs are big, hounds are generally bigger dogs.
I’ve gone on this tangent because I’m a little in denial that I found a coat at Lane Bryant that I kind of like. The LB folks call this a “babydoll” coat, I guess because it has a gathered skirty part, which I'm digging. For a minute I got all excited and thought, Maybe Lane Bryant has stuff that appeals to me again! But no, it seems this coat is an aberration.
Speaking of skirty bits, this ASOS Curve coat has a peplum! Remember when I dropped all that peplum knowledge on you guys? It turns out peplums are not only good for disguising swelling as a result of being stung by enthusiastic bees, they’re WARM too. Now you can peplum it up in your outerwear as well, so you have a visible peplum both indoors and on the street, even in the winter!
Jessica London and much of its ilk on One Stop Plus seems to be a brand that does well for people who do a lot of dressing for church, or church-related functions. I don’t mean any disrespect, but I do find it interesting that my completely made-up quantitative research into One Stop Plus items reviews reveals that at least 75% of the items bought from the site get worn to church at some point.
As a person who doesn’t attend -- much less dress appropriately for -- church, I have often felt as though I am mishandling my occasional OSP purchases by wearing them for non-church activities, like shopping for comic books or colored mascara, or arguing about whether all these new Sherlock-Holmes-inspired TV shows are being true to the canon.
Church-wear aside, Jessica London really knows how to come correct in their coat game. I’ve bought several of my coats from them over the years, and I’ve never been disappointed. The above military coat is the one I’ve got my eye on at present, as it’s been a long time since I saw a black coat I liked. I think it’s the buttons. The buttons say to me, “I’m vaguely military but also kind of vintagey and goth.” They say it with a throaty French accent, if you MUST know.
I have a complicated relationship with coats in any kind of plaid or check, especially ones that pair said pattern with toggle closures. I like them in theory, but once I actually put one on, I feel as though I should be walking out of a barn, in rubber Wellington boots, possibly carrying a bucket with some filth caked on the bottom of it. Also that I should smell faintly of animal manure. I think this is just me, but as a result I don’t much invest in check coats, even really cute ones like the above purple and black version.
This is a yellow coat. Do I need to say anything else about it? It’s yellow. You’re either going to love that or hate it.
I know capes are soooo last year, but I still love them, even while I resent them for being kind of impractical in legitimately cold weather, unless you happen to be wearing a Victorian ladies’ walking ensemble of some sort. Wearing a cape is dramatic and neat, but it means you really need long sleeves on underneath, and ideally long sleeves of substance, which defeats the purpose of outerwear in the first place.
Happily, the good folks at Simply Be want to help you out, so they’ve taken a boring old trench coat and added a removable capelet. Why you’d want to remove it, I cannot imagine, but hey, it’s an option.
I decided I’m going to show you an actual cape ANYWAY, because I have no self-control. This version comes in a pink and grey houndstooth check, because what can ever be better than a pink and grey houndstooth check? I mean LOOK AT IT.
On the plus side, this particular cape has a belt, which makes it slightly less likely to cause you to freeze to death, a risk all those who share my commitment to cape-wearing know well. Belted, it’s a bit like a coat with really voluminous sleeves, or at least that’s what I’m telling myself because I really want to buy it.
What is it about a leopard coat that just screams IDGAF? I’m seriously asking. I know faux fur is not exactly the brainiest choice when it’s snowing and you’d probably be better off in a coat that doesn’t soak up liquid like a teddy bear drowned in a bathtub, but it looks SO COOL, doesn’t it? I mean, that collar. That collar alone is worth 1,000 IDGAFs.
So what do y’all think? Am I the only one who owns a ridiculous volume of outerwear? Also, lest anyone get on me in comments, I was kidding when I said belugas look ridiculous in coats. Everyone knows belugas look awesome in everything.