Do This Don't: Slutty Halloween Costume

This year, I'm over it. My costume will not be "cool." It will not be clever. It will be sexy.

Oct 17, 2011 at 3:00pm | Leave a comment

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Did you guys know that Halloween is a holiday for sluts? And for non-sluts who use the holiday to dress up as slutty sluts for purposes of slutting around and annoying people who are wearing their very COOL, original costumes that they need a nametag for anyone to identify? To those people, I respond that 1) No one should need an excuse to dress like a slut, but Halloween is as good a day as any other and 2) So what? These boobies aint hurting nobody.

There's a reason my best friend and I begged my mother to let us dress up as "hookers" in 6th grade, and that reason is that dressing slutty is fun! It's fun to embrace your sexuality, flaunt your goodies and court sexual attention. I feel sad for the poor women who feel pigeonholed into participating in said activities only one day a year. (And now they're supposed to feel bad about even that one day?)

I get that it's supposed to be a "scary" holiday, but you know what? I don't like to look scary. I like to look cute. And the last thing I want to do is engage in stimulating cocktail conversation with someone while wearing a repuslive costume. "Oh, you like the new Feist album? I'd love to chat about that with you while you stare at my disgusting pair of Billy Bob teeth." No sirree, I refuse to look ugly on Halloween.

In past years I've struggled to come up with a costume that both meets the lofty standards of a "cool" Halloween costume and is pleasing to the eye ("I'm a pinup girl! I'm wearing the same outfit I wore Tuesday.") But this year, I'm over it. My costume will not be "cool." It will not be clever. It will be sexy.

So I hit the Halloween store and from the racks of tempting porno archetypes, selected a Wonder Woman costume made up primarily of a bustier with garter belts. The packaging claimed it would "fit clothing sizes 10-14," but I grabbed a plus size sexy nurse costume just in case that was a lie. 

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In the end, both of them fit pretty well, so now I have two slutastic costume options for my yet-to-be-determined Halloween plans. My boyfriend's going to see Ween, so I will be slutting it up solo. I'm hoping we will still get some use out of these costumes as a couple, if you know what I mean. (I mean sex.)

The point is, I don't think women should have to button up and watch our hemlines in order to be taken seriously and treated with respect. But not everyone agrees with me -- like it or not, what we wear sends a message about who we are and how we expect to be treated. For most of the year, we have to worry about that.

Except on Halloween, it doesn't matter what message you're sending, because the whole point is to be something you're not! Who cares if it's unoriginal? Human fantasies are unoriginal! We've all been masturbating to the same stuff for generations. Boners are not attuned to irony.

Those out there casually bitching about "slutty costumes" on Halloween should stop and have a long think about just what's wrong with dressing "slutty," or acting "slutty" for that matter. And maybe explain just what wearing revealing clothing has to do with promiscuity anyway? I could dress up like a cheerleader every day of the year, but that doesn't mean I'm letting you go deep in my tight end. (Those are words that I think are related to football.)

In short, lighten up. It's a holiday! It's supposed to be fun! Eat candy, get drunk, kiss somebody! And most of all, wear whatever the hell you want! (I do recommend a coat. )

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