I'll Try Anything Once: Booty Spanx

As a lover of ridiculously proportioned women, I always want MORE PUMPS IN THE BUMPS.

Sep 22, 2011 at 3:00pm | Leave a comment

 
I covet a juicy booty.
 
When judges on Project Runway say things like "No woman wants her ass to look bigger," I always think: Really? What year are you living in? Because everybody I know likes a big fat ass, and many major celebrities have built careers on them in the past decade.
 
Unfortunately for the McCombs clan out of Oklahoma, our genes do not support participation in this trend. No, we are cursed with classic Midwestern flat butt, a condition often accompanied by "droopy drawers" syndrome.
 
So when Spanx sent me a pair of their butt-boosting girl shorts,  it would be an understatement to say I was ready for this jelly. I may actually be over-prepared.
 
These shorts, aside from looking very hilarious, as seen above, promise to "make your rump look naturally plump with optional butt-lets that add a 'cheek size.'" For the hell of it, I throw in the Atlantis Solutions Gel Bra, which purports to add two cup sizes, which would bring me to an F. I'm hoping to turn myself into a human teeter-totter.
 
But seriously, as a lover of ridiculously proportioned women, I always want MORE PUMPS IN THE BUMPS. Gimme some huge novelty circus bazooms and a cartoon booty and my eyes pop out of my head while my tongue unrolls to the floor like a cartoon wolf. I love Russ Meyer and actresses like Christina Hendricks or Sofia Vergara whose bodies are basically superpowered weapons aimed directly at the collective crotch of America. I like big butts and I cannot lie!
 
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As you can see, the booty spanx deliver on their promise of a bigger, better ass. Weirdly, I feel like they actually make my front-butt look larger as well. I can't really explain why. [UPDATE: The commenters have helpfully pointed out that my skirt is tighter with 2 extra inches of ass in the back. Duh.] In what glorious future will a round, shapely FUPA come into fashion? And will I get my robot body in time to see that day?
 
I gotta say, the back view has me sold. My old butt looks like a jerk now that I've seen my new, Spanxed-up butt! It looks higher and tighter. You see where the bottom of the cheeks are in the after shot? My real butt starts under there.
 
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One unseen advantage is that wearing the booty Spanx provides a sort of built-in seat cushion for those long days spent sitting. It's like a hemorrhoid donut or those fat-butt SPIN pants! As someone who spends a lot of time in folding chairs, this is invaluable.

As far as comfort, if you've ever tried Spanx, you know how you feel about them. Some people can't stand feeling like their torso is being strangled, others are quite comfortable with a day-long Spandex bear hug in the name of a smoothed-out muffin-top. I'm somewhere in the middle -- I feel just fine in Spanx as long as I don't eat too much, which I pretty much always do at an event to which I would swear Spanx.
 
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As a relationshipped lady, I don't so much have to worry about the false advertising angle -- but this could be mega-awkward on a date. With regular Spanx, you can just slip into the bathroom and stuff them in your purse before you disrobe with a guy. Booty spanx will not fit in your clutch! There's padding in there! And oh my god, if someone touched your butt over your clothes, it would feel sort of like you have a pillow up there! You could end up trapped in a lonely, loveless prison of Nylon, Spandex and Elastane!
 

 I don't care, though. I really think a woman should wear her fake butt for herself, not for a man. Also, I kind of forgot about the water bra, do my boobs look any bigger in the after shots?