Yes, I Spent $88 on the Very Best Tights Money Can Buy

Because I'm worth it.
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Publish date:
December 2, 2015
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Tags:
fashion, style, what's in a costume designers kit, winter, tights, Expensive Shit

Some of the best life advice I've ever gotten (and pretty much the only piece of life advice I've actually followed) was to make a list of pros and cons when weighing a big life decision.

Any time it's not instantly clear to me what the best course of action should be, I dutifully whip out pen and paper and get to making my lists, certain the answer will soon be revealed. But I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't say FORGET IT and just ask my trusty Magic 8 Ball to solve all important conundrums instead.

The odds of me having a better answer to any question than "reply hazy, try again" are slim, unless you are asking me about the most baller tights cash money can buy -- in which case I advise you to drop everything and treat yo' self to a swanky pair of German-made Item M6 tights. But trust, you'll be paying for the pleasure.

"$88.00 for a pair of tights?!" may be the first question you are asking yourself, and I wouldn't really blame you. "What in the hell makes a pair of tights worth more than a Mini Cooper?" could well be your second question, followed closely by "and what in tarnation is Freer smoking since we last saw her around these parts?"

Fair enough, but I urge you to consider whether I've ever steered you wrong in the pursuit of better living through excellent tights before answering those questions.

The fabric Item M6 uses for their opaque tights is a high-end combo of the same polyamide and elastane material used in performance sports apparel. They feel incredible on your legs and are just black enough to call themselves opaque. (I used to only like tights that gave me solid black disembodied doll limbs, but as I've grown up, I like a hint of leg to show through for a touch of sex appeal.)

It's beautiful on the leg, and has a slight sheen (a "luster," I'd call it?) without being too shiny and manages to stand up to dog claws, rhinestone bracelets, and acrylic nails without snagging, tearing or running. (I think these tights are secretly made of whatever material allows Superman to stop a speeding bullet.)

But still...$88.00 for tights?!?! I wear black legwear 7 days a week during the months of November-February, so it's strangely worth it for me to invest in something a little better than my usual el-cheapo tights that I go through like crazy.

The Item M6 tights also fit like a second skin (with absolutely no drooping in the crotch) because they smartly come in two different heights. 5 ft. 6" or under? You're an Item M6 L1. Over 5 foot 6"? Grab a pair of their L2's and never duck into the john to pull up your sagging tights before a meeting ever again. (Also, for sizing reference: I'm 5 ft. 8 in. tall, 140 lbs, and happily wearing an L2 in a size medium.)

But the real reason Item M6 tights are worth all that coin is because they also double as a legit medical device. Made in Germany by the same manufacturer of excellent medical compression stockings, they have compression technology built right in, which is something I desperately need when spending 12 or more hours on my feet every day on set.

Sure, sitting is the new smoking and all that, but my legs are for sure feeling the effects of standing up more than the average bear. Compression tights utilize a heavier-than-average elastic to create increased pressure on the legs, ankles and feet. Gentle compression on the surface veins causes increased arterial pressure -- which allows more blood to return to the heart and less blood to pool in the feet.

I already begin and end every workday with my legs straight up against a wall for 5-10 minutes to reduce the symptoms of edema, aka pooling of blood and fluid in the ankles, calves, and legs -- and adding compression to the mix has been a sort of magic bullet.

Item M6 tights bill themselves as being "energizing," and after wearing them to work for a week straight, I'm a compression believer. (Honestly, my legs felt so good after wearing these that I'm working on worming other types of compression gear into my wardrobe!)

I will warn you: It does take an extra 60 seconds or so to squiggle into them compared to regular old tights. There is a fair amount of jumping around and possible laying on the bed involved. But once you get them on, it's total bliss.

No scratching, slipping, or rolling down. They just stay put — and feel great doing so.

Now that you're sold on the idea, let's talk about how you're going to care for these big-time-cash-money tights, yes? Hand-washing and air-drying them is obviously the gold standard, but if your tights truly stink (like mine) or you are pressed for time, your best bet is to invest in a lingerie bag before you blindly throw them in the wash.

A lingerie bag is, without a doubt, the best $7.00 you'll ever spend on your wardrobe. Item M6's care instructions actually do say to machine wash and machine dry their compression tights to maintain the elasticity, but I am a die-hard tights air-dryer, so don't get it twisted — I'm for sure not the one who gave you permission to toss your $88.00 tights willy-nilly in the dryer. (If you DO decide to machine dry, keep 'em safe and sound in their SILKY SAC LOL.)

Get excited to wear the very best tights of your adult life -- but get ready to pay for the privilege. Because you're worth it.

I am the author of "How to Get Dressed: A Costume Designer's Secrets for Making Your Clothes Look, Fit, and Feel Amazing," available everywhere books are sold.