5 Clothing Trends I'm Dying To See Dudes Start Wearing This Summer

I've seen some amazing ingenuity from the ladies this season in terms of fashion. Dudes, not so much.

Aug 11, 2014 at 5:00pm | Leave a comment

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Snapbacks and rompers encouraged but not included.

All in all, I'd say this summer has been pretty great in terms of general aesthetic trends for human ladies. Maybe it's the fact that the ’90s were a time of fun and fancy-free -- at least for those of us who weren't concerned with much beyond Pokemon -- but I for one have enjoyed this season's apparent ability to throw on a pair of galaxy-printed leggings and a roadkilled denim vest before declaring the whole thing "fashion."

Admittedly, I am far from an authority on any sort of hot trend, given that I spent most of my formative years wearing little but pizza shavings and a sports bra. Even so, though, it seems like most of the outfits I spy women wearing around seem to be more experimental and deliberately haphazard than in previous years. And I love it! If my daily sighting of overalls never dips below a minimum of three again, I will die a happy woman.

However. Even as I've been delighted by the ingenuity-through-aggressive-apathy ensembles on ladies, I can't help but notice that dudes seem to be defaulting to far more conventional (read: boring) staples. This, I feel, is a shame. There's no reason that half the population should be stuck wearing polo shirts while everyone else rocks dinosaur rompers.

I know summer is nearly over, but realistically, we've probably got about two to three more months of skin-weather left -- plenty of time for boys to incorporate these trends I'm hoping to see in men's street-style:

1. Short-Jorts

This one is low-hanging fruit, if you catch my drift (and at this point it would be difficult not to). While other hobbyists may spend their mornings seeking out yellow warblers, I consider myself something of a jorts connoisseur -- a jortser, if you will. And I have to say, when it comes to jorts in the wild, the proportion of lady- to men-bearers is upsettingly skewed. Whereas women seem perfectly happy to tear their paper-thin Forever 21 trousers off at the butt-line, men continue to default to plaid cargo shorts or, worse, those weird loose capris favored by Nickelback enthusiasts circa 2003.

Gentlemen, please. It's 2014. No one is going to be shocked by your thigh meat any longer. Highlight those natural assets, already.

2. Sailor Suits

I know we're in the midst of a ’90s revival, but why not the 1890s, too? When my great-grandfather was a young man, his mother dressed him in a color-coordinated wool pantsuit that made him look like Shirley Temple in short pants. Since then, I have been waiting eagerly for this look to reenter our cultural zeitgeist. Think about it: It's whimsical without being twee, the wool material means that you can withstand our entry into Dread Fall while still showing off that aforementioned thigh meat, and it connotes a readiness to take to the sea, which in turn suggests initiative and adventure.

Also, I would personally like to break that thing out to wear on my more butch days. (Yes, my family still owns it. Yes, it smells of years of human existence.) Trendsetting!

3. Crop Tops

You may be witnessing a pattern in this listicle, but I don't care. I am head over heels these days for the ubiquity of crop tops, especially given my fondness for all-you-can-eat buffets, which require as little tummy restriction as possible. Yet again, though, this trend seems to be solely restricted to the ladies. This, to me, is inexplicable. Every time I see a dude taking a mirror selfie, he has hiked his shirt up to remind curious onlookers that he once had an umbilical cord, too. Why not save that necessary hem-tugging energy by rocking the C-T? If Kid Cudi can do it, so can you.

This goes double for guys with a little bit of a friendly pudge around the middle -- I wanna see that action unencumbered by fabric, stat.

4. The Color Pink

Many a sexually confident frat boy has already cottoned on to this, but guys, pink makes you look phenomenal. I read somewhere that it restores the bloom your skin loses from shaving; anecdotally, for that matter, I find that dudes in pink give an appearance of being both tan and unencumbered by idiotic gender expectations, both of which rank highly in attractiveness polls among young women (sample size: me). As pleased as I am that some clothing companies are campaigning for parents to praise their sons for wearing pink if they want to, I am still concerned that adult men are avoiding the shade, lest it be perceived as "girly."

Dudes, if you're not swayed yet by the clear fallacy of a single color impugning one's masculinity, remember that before World War II, pink was the manly option and blue was the one for delicate ladies. That's how arbitrary it is.

5. Apparel of Female Athletes

I'll be real with you all: nothing says "One-way ticket to the Bone Zone" like a man rocking a Sydney Leroux or Brittney Griner jersey. That's just the way it's gonna be.

Kate would date any man in a crop top, and she refuses to be ashamed. @katchatters