[Who KNEW that I loved Keanu Reeves?! Sassy readers, that’s who! Because I wrote about how I ran down the street in Hollywood chasing him and River Phoenix all the way to his apartment building! I love him! --Jane]
Ever since one KEANU REEVES gave me smoldering f*%k-me eyes in a downtown restaurant called Café Cluny two years ago (he was on a date and looked over her shoulder at me) I’ve liked to daydream about Keanu being my boyfriend. My dumb, surfer boyfriend, who looks just like Keanu did in 1991's “Pointbreak:”
NO, I did not bone him that night and and YES, I am probably being unfair, but whatever, it is MY fantasy: My imaginary boyfriend Keanu is really ditsy and I can boss him around and make him fix me my beloved piña coladas and things. Sometimes he is so dumb that he picks up a bottle of sunscreen and tries to drink it, and I have to yell at him. Stupid Keanu! (Ooh, I just love him!!!)
Uh-huh. They’re “in” for summer: TROPICAL MEN. (FACT: I stole that name from a gay porno I watched in a room in the Ace Hotel on Halloween with my BFF; I can't even.) Men so dumb that you can practically see their brains glittering through their ears while they're pretending to be thinking.
Tropical men make the best boyfriends, because you don’t even have sex with them -- the best T.M. have molded plastic genitals like Ken dolls, anyway. You just lounge around watching them make them fix you fruity drinks and wax their surfboards while wearing wetsuits, and you get to laugh at them when they walk into glass doors and are all, "Ow! Babe!".
Yup, TROPICAL is the kind of man for me.
Anyway, all this daydreaming lately has made me super into SURFER stuff. Pause: I am definitely NOT a surfer myself, though I can think of nothing more foxy for any woman or man to be.
Alternately, I’m the worst kind of wimp: someone who, say, smokes vile amounts of angel dust for days straight on dry land without a second thought but always makes sure a friend is swimming just a LITTLE bit in front of me so a great white will eat her first when we are in the ocean in, like, Amagansett -- a swanky Hamptons beach where the only real sharks are the sociopath party boys on grimy local cocaine (or, as the Hamptons kids goofily call blow: “jam”).
But I do love surfer beauty products! Which I can write about safely from Manhattan hotel suites as I am right this very second. Such as: these Day-glo sunscreens for the nose. Aren't they friggin' awesome?!:
Omigod, so surfer-pop. I love them! They are called Zinka Colored Nosecoats. They're these hot colored sunscreens that come in all different colors; ZOMG. FUN.
The color stays on your skin not only to keep you looking awesome, but to ensure MAXIMUM protection from the sun. Also, they are super water-and-all-weatherproof. REAL surfers use them; I think they're so so fun! I'd choose an electric blue for my boyfriend Keanu's nose -- to bring out his tan.
Okay, so I think really my favorite-favorite surfer beauty product ever is this sick Mr. Zogs Sex Wax candle:
Mr. Zogs Sex Wax is a real surf wax company -- THE surf wax company? I’m not sure, but it’s everywhere -- and even if you’re not sure if you know what surf wax smells like, when you smell it you’ll remember – and it’s a completely brilliant thing to make a candle from. Your whole house will smell like a beach shack!
I am also into this Sex Wax-scented air freshener for your car, and I say your car because I do not know how to drive. Isn't it cool? $2.25!
So, you like? Do you surf? If so, that's SOOO COOL -- tell me what products you actually use! Also, isn't Keanu the hunkiest? And what are your thoughts on Tropical Men -- what would you make YOURS do? Discuss.