It's gonna get sappy up in here.
Janea Padilha is known more than anything as the woman who invented the Brazilian bikini wax. Along with her sisters, she’s one of the founders of Manhattan’s famous (infamous?) J. Sisters Salon, where they take it all off and never look back. Her new book, “Brazilian Sexy: Secrets To Living A Gorgeous and Confident Life,” is full of the most insane (as in mentally unsound) beauty and sex tips … of which I have faithfully transcribed my favorites here. Enjoy!
1) BRAZILIAN WAXES ARE MORE SANITARY.
“[Brazilian bikini waxes] are a lot more sanitary, because you can just wash that area and get it really clean. No more hair to interfere. When you wipe yourself, nothing gets tangled in your hair. It’s as if you were never really clean before. Additionally, when you have a Brazilian, you don’t have a lot of discharge out of your vagina, and it’s a lot cleaner.”
2) STOP TOUCHING YOUR FACE!
“If I get an itch on my face, I use the heel on my hand to scratch it. Never do I use my fingernails. Oh no, the face is not the place for that, it’s too rough on the skin. It’s one of the things I notice in American women, is that they touch their faces all of the time. In Brazil and in Europe, you will see that women never touch their faces.”
3) DON’T MAKE FUNNY FACES.
“I try not to make funny faces. Otherwise the skin is going to be a mess. […] I think it stretches out the muscles, and they don’t go back to the way they should be.”
4) WALK OUTSIDE TO GET COLOR.
“I spend half an hour or so every day out in the sun. Even in the winter, I make sure to get outside, walk, feel the sun on my face. In the summer, same thing. I make sure my arms are uncovered so they get some color, too. Nothing too much, but a little color on my skin feels good.”
5) STARE DOWN AT – NOT STRAIGHT-ON INTO – A MIRROR TO APPLY PERFECT EYELINER.
“I used to stand up in front of the mirror [to apply liner] and it was never the same from one side of my face to another, and never the same on top or on bottom. Then one day I was playing on the bed with my granddaughter, and she had this little mirror. I leaned over it and it was amazing – my eyes weren’t squinting. I realized that when you looked down at the mirror instead of straight ahead of it, your eye stayed open. I went to my bag and grabbed an eyeliner and drew a line under my eye – perfect. Then I drew a line on top – perfect. This trick […] is foolproof.”
6) DIET IS EVERYTHING.
“There are always big bowls of fruits in my house […] and walnuts and nutcrackers everywhere, always. Brazilian people also eat a lot of guarra nut powder. It’s a little fruit that grows in the Amazon; it has a black seed that you put in the oven to dry and you make it a powder. You can put it into your coffee or juice. It’s very healthy and gives you energy, makes your stomach feel right. I personally eat a lot of acacia berries for energy […] and I eat a lot of cilantro. Cilantro is very important for stamina, and if you eat it every day it gives you the get up and go you need.”
7) THE SECRET TO MAKING HIM HAPPY IS ...
"Men love oral sex [...] So many men have told me this and when I ask new men about it they always agree -- they want you to put your little finger in their asshole when they are about to have an orgasm. They want you to press down on the floor of the anus, the area closer to the scrotum [...] Now, some women like to do this and there's no problem. You just have to make sure not to put that finger anyplace else until you wash it really well. It can carry a lot of bacteria that could get in your vagina and give you an infection."
8) TASTE YOURSELF.
"If you want to know what your vagina tastes like, why not just put a clean finger up in there and then take it out and lick it? If we want someone else to taste, then why not us, too? It's like serving soup that you haven't tasted yet. You want to know, so do it. It's tasty, right?"
9) RE-VIRGINIZE YOURSELF IN THE SHOWER.
"It sounds like it would be hard to do, but it is very simple. When you're taking a shower, you put one leg up on the side of the bathtub. Put your middle finger inside your vagina, push up and run the finger around, like you were cleaning your nose. Take the finger out, rinse it off, and then do it again. And again. By that time, the vagina will be getting tighter. After a few times, it's hard to even get your finger in. I tell my clients to do this before they make love. So when the man tries to put his penis in, it will be too tight [...] The sex will be better than you ever had before."
10) KEEP YOURSELF CLEAN.
When I ask men their biggest turnoff, the thing they wish would change in women, guys from all over the world -- Italians, French, Brazilians, Greeks -- they tell me that they are concerned American women aren't cleaning themselves that well down there. We have to take another few minutes when we are in the shower to clean our vagina and anus. You take some soap and get that area soapy, then rinse off. You don't use soap inside your vagina, only water. Maybe a washcloth to help around back. It takes no time. But just the way you wouldn't forget to wash your legs, you shouldn't forget to wash your genitals."
Er, thanks. Personally, I don't ever think that I forget to wash my gentials, but maybe that's because I'm such a genis beauty editor.