So, today I got my period. My first thought was, I can't believe I am not pregnant this month; thank you Lord; I will never ever ever be that slutty again. The second thought was: why don't I ever have tampons? My third thought was, you know what, Cat, today is the day you're finally going to try that Eastern European thing two facialists have now told you about and smooth your period blood all over your face. Like a mask.
And you guys, I know it sounds (and looks) disgusting, but that's exactly what I did.
Before you freak out, let me at least attempt to explain the alleged science behind all this: menstrual blood (or any kind of fluid that's produced/exists in utero, for that matter) is thought to be an ultra-potent source of dermatological nutrition. How so?
Well, think about it: I'm totally lying. HAHAHA. That's not period blood! HAHAHA. It's a face mask! Well, a face treatment. Technically it's a peel. A peel that pops up only in nightmares and the odd episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit-- like THIS :
HAHAHA! HAHAHAHA! IT ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE MURDER!
And thus wearing this stuff on your face is never not funny! For once in my life I even had an AMAZING time taking pictures for this story -- photography being the non-writing requirement of my job that I, a writer, usually loathe. Look, here I am having fun wearing my face mask, all Hannibal-Lector-victim-looking and throwing gang signs!:
HAHAHA! Right?! And look at this sexy one! I'm gonna send it in reply to this guy I sleep with in LA next time he lamely sexts me an unsolicited photo of his penis (FACT: this happens often). HAHAHAHA. I look like I poured acid on my face and then decided I was horny!:
HAHAHA! GREATEST PICTURES EVER! HAHAHA!
Okay, I'll stop.
(BTW, as I write this my friend keeps being all, "Cat, those aren't even funny photos. People will just think you're demented, Cat. Seriously. Cat.")
ANYWAY, let's talk about the product. It is one of my favorite skin treatments of all time, and it would be even if it didn't make me look so sadistically mutilated and hilarious:
Meet the Renee Rouleau Triple Berry Smoothing Peel, unto which I have just brought a deluge of interesting publicity.
(Translation: Please don't hate me, Renee Rouleau people. Accept this bizarre endorsement as best you can. And could you send possibly me more of this peel? I just ran out!)
It's a tingly, AHAs-and-enzyme-packed active exfoliant treatment that looks and feels -- seeds and all -- more or less like raspberry jam. It smells tart and fruity and wonderful. I spread it all over my face and leave it on for ten minutes (a.k.a. Photobooth Time!), then rinse with cool water. I like to follow up with toner on a cotton ball to sweep my pores extra-clean, because I'm prissy like that.
Then the gore is gone -- and I am GLOWY. YOU GUYS, IT IS SUCH A GOOD PRODUCT. It my skin awesome-looking: truly brighter clearer, and firmer -- with smaller pores, seemingly, and I don't say that pores look smaller hardly ever in my beauty write-ups, because I think it's thrown around too much and is misleading.
In fact, all in all I don't often make such big claims about skincare products -- believe me -- but I stand behind my adoration of this one. I see a difference right away, and my skin stays improved after -- younger and fresher looking, with less acne.
I use the peel about three times a month. It costs $85.50. I believe if you have the money, it is worth it.
One last photo of me, post-treatment (FYI: trust me, I'm sooo glowing; my computer's Photo Booth just sucks):
What do you think? You are allowed to think I should be fired. Also: What are your favorite skin treatments?