Last Friday night, the night was young and I was younger, baby.
I celebrated my one month-iversary at my new job, in my new city, in my new studio condo, drunk and lonely on my balcony.
Here's my deal: About two months ago, I got a gig at a Washington, D.C. news station. I decided to take it, said "bye, bye" to Brooklyn (which is where I spent 20 years of my life) and here I am.
So, it's great. I love my job and studio but I have no friends!!! NONE. This is how I ended up drunk-calling everyone I know at 11 pm, Friday night.
Now, what happened Saturday? I woke up on the floor next to my balcony with an empty bottle of wine and an unbelievably puffy under eye situation.
"YOU DID WHAT?!" That's what my dad yelled at me over the phone when I called Saturday evening. I wanted to talk to my mom about the spoon facial since she uses that to help with her puffiness. Instead, I ended up talking to my dad.
FYI: He has a tendency to highlight his emotions by the volume of his expressive voice.
"Papi--" that's what I call my dad, "you are being so loud right now."
"I mean, OK, so you got really drunk but BY YOURSELF?"
"Where's Mami?" That's what I call my mom. We're a Spanish-speaking family. My dad is Mexican, my mom is Korean, and we all speak Spanish.
"She's not home. Your mom does the facial on me when I'm puffy. I can tell you if you really need it."
Below are the steps that my dad told me about my mom's spoon facial:
- Freeze two spoons.
- Slather your face with whatever lotion you use.
- Take your spoons and SWOOP! the spoons on the edge of your nose then do a soft swoop below your eye, ending with your upper check bone.
That's really it. I repeatedly swooped for about five minutes and it took my puffiness down a bit. When I applied my makeup it looked like it was barely there. This can also be used as an easy way to do a nighttime facial. Just -- no matter what -- always go from the inside out. ALWAYS.
"Wait, wait, I want to say something before we hang up!!!" My dad told me when he was done explaining the facial. "Iemi, do you know how I made money while living in Rome?"
"How?" I asked him. My parents met in Rome when they were in college.
"OK, so I made money by working at a farm where they had these huge -- and I mean HUGE -- pigs. Every single night, they would fuck and they would do it all night. So, in order to stop those pigs I had to grab one of the boys and twist his ball sack. Then, I took a knife and in two slices, boom and boom -- I slit off the pig's balls."
"Papi." MOMENT. "What the hell?"
"I cut off pig balls so you can cry on your damn balcony. Stop being sad and make friends, Iemi."
That's my mom's lovely spoon facial for reducing puffiness and/or giving yourself a lazy facial. As well as my dad's disgusting story. Oh! Before I forget: spoon facials and pig balls have nothing in common. I just thought it was a cool title.