MY LIFE IS A MESS, BUT I SMELL LIKE VANILLA ICE CREAM: 3 Products For When You Just Wanna Smell Like Sexy Teenagers Because You're SOO Regressing, OMFG.

I psychologically collapsed a few days ago, but I was creamy-and-sweetly-scented the whole time! And how was YOUR weekend?

Jul 18, 2011 at 2:02pm | Leave a comment

image

I like to smell like vanilla. Is that teenybopper? If so, that’s okay; I’m riding a teenybopper wave right now. Last week I fought off a major depressive episode by sitting in my apartment in the air conditioning, playing with vanilla perfumes, eating Strawberry Shortcake bars, and watching "Never Say Never" on In Demand which duh, is about the rise of the cutest Canadian with a twinkly grin and a lesbian haircut in the whole entertainment industry, Justin Bieber.

Did the pop-ness of it all really prevent my depression attack? Nah. I tried, honestly; eventually all my problems caught up with me and engulfed me. But when that shiz is coming, it is coming. I've denied my issues and let them pile up all around me until I am drowning in them. And that's when -- instead of being adult and stepping out to like a therapist or whatever -- I shut down and shut the world out.

(Hence the lack of posts on Thursday and Friday -- sorry about that, readers.  It wasn’t very adult at all, and don’t think that I don’t know it.)

Nope, I don’t handle things maturely;  I don’t know how many people avoid life like this – “cope” with things like this (FACT: lack of coping skills is the problem). I could definitely do my online persona a favor and play it cool and pretend that I don’t, but what do I care about what's out there? I like to exploit the personal. Take your mess; make it your message. Then mainstream it! Make it "POP."

'Cause guess what, I tell myself, this just is what my life is: problems and personal life disasters and whatever, if I speak to anyone out there, it’s not going to be by writing Real Simple-esque "How-Tos" on keeping it together. This beauty column is not only for every sexy mess who wants to Sleep Through Her Alarm Clock For Better Hair (I don’t know what I’m even talking about, but doesn’t it sound like something I’d write?), but also for the people who sometimes feel like trainwrecks, with no way out.

Let’s hang in there together, hotnesses/hotmesses. We’re not perfect! That’s the point. Let's focus on the easy goals -- the attainable first steps toward overall general awesomeness. Like smelling really good. YUP: my life may be in shambles, but boy, do I  know how to smell GREAT -- like vanilla! GROWN-UP vanilla. Well, sort of. What’s the difference between teenybopper vanilla and grown-up vanilla? My thesis is that cheap, shopping mall girl-vanilla scents smell like things that have butter in them: cake and frosting.

This is not how I like to smell. I like to smell like pure vanilla -- think vanilla ice cream. Somehow, this sweet, yet non-buttery-smelling pureness, is, I think -- perhaps delusionally -- more adult. A lot grown women like to smell like verbena and lavender and things, and this route, while lovely, is decidedly too adult and thus obviously not for me.

I'm always going to want to smell like a sexy teenager, just like I'm always sort of going to resist growing up and actively partaking in the real world. And beauty products are the most fun and gratifying means by which to do it -- not grow up, that is! Duh. Following? If your answer is, Not so much, well, okay, that's maybe fair. Regardless, my favorite sexy-teen-vanilla-scents for people who are vaguely striving to be grown-ups:

1) BLISS VANILLA + BERGAMOT BODY BUFF

This is like the best body scrub in the entire world! It's literally got ice cream grains in it -- I mean, those little specks of vanilla bean that you find when you eat Breyers vanilla ice cream, for example. (I think at some point in my beauty career I became convinced that this product and Breyers ice cream shared the very same flecks, like officially, although I'll let Bliss PR correct me in the comments section if I'm wrong.)

This product, Bliss Vanilla + Bergmot Body Buff, is undoubtably the dreamiest of all beauty products I can think of. It is the definition of a luxury item -- nobody needs an in-shower scrub that simultaneously delivers creamy-scented goodness and makes your skin glowy and supple and incredibly soft, but oh, is it so nice to use one.

It's one of my favorite beauty products of all time -- of ALL time, like in the top 20 -- and I can think of nothing I enjoy using more in the shower. The scent is so f-ing incredible you want to die, and all I can do is tell you to go to Sephora and smell it yourself. The body lotion is sick, too.

2) LAVANILA LABORATORIES THE HEALTHY BODY BUTTER VANILLA COCONUT

Oh, God bless Lavanila Laboratories. One of my favorite new-ish brands in the game! No, they're not that-that new, but new enough. I remember when the brand launched and I was so thrilled, because it was pure vanilla-smelling stuff across the board. And everything is all-natural and healthy without parabens and all that if you're paranoid about that sort of thing, which I am not at all but whatever.

This lotion is the perfect summer scent for when you're actively hooking up with a guy. You know how guys are all obsessed with how girls wear too much perfume and it suffocates them? Whatever, it's sort of like, Shut UP stupid man, and just enjoy smelling me!, but sometimes I will throw a particularly hunky and sweet Keanu-esque guy a bone and tone it down a notch, especially if I am regularly making out with him and it's good.

This, Lavanila Laboratories The Healthy Body Butter Vanilla Coconut, is the best-smelling body product for that sort of thing: You apply it right after you get out of the shower and it wafts up from under your clothes and everyone tells you that you smell amazing, because guess what, you totally do. Mmm. 

3) SUZANNE LANG MIDNIGHT ORCHID EAU DE PARFUM

image
What the hell does an orchid smell like? You got me. I have no idea! I feel like in the past I might have sniffed an orchid in passing, although I keep trying to imagine myself doing that and it's not happening. Who smells an orchid? Aren't they supposed to just be chic and ornamental? I dunno.

Here's what I do smell: PERFUMES! For a living. And this, Suzanne Lang Midnight Orchid Eau de Parfum, ranks in my top five, ever ever, ever EVER! I've been wearing it for like four years, and have gone through several bottles. It smells like vanilla, creamy like ... dairy-creamy, with a hint of floral-ness to it, though not really. It's like vanilla extract and flower petals crushed together in a bowl of ... milk. Not in a gross way. Fresh-smelling. Ugh? No, I promise not ugh.

Is that too goofy of a description? Can you imagine what I'm trying to communicate? It's so pretty and light, not overpowering at all.It's a perfume you can spritz all over yourself and you sort of just smell like clean, sweet skin, and not like f-ing Abercrombie and Fitch or where ever generally smells too perfume-y. Does this description translate? I hope so, because the scent is just that awesome. 

Anyway, what a long, strange article it's been (what's new, right?). Why did I even need to go into all that stuff about being a disaster? See, I've forgotten all my problems already. Behold power of beautiful-smelling beauty products in the face of enormous life problems and personal chaos. It's what my editorial beauty trajectory is all about! Ya heard?! 

SO: who else is going through lots of stuff right now? And is vanilla too baby-ish (or is that the point?). And what are your picks for the best-smelling vanilla products ever? You know I read all your comments, so go wild and I'll write back. xo