WHAT THE PUBLICISTS ARE SENDING: Should our Bellybuttons Be Better-Looking?

Press releases from plastic surgeons always make me think about the deepest shallow things!

May 6, 2011 at 2:50pm | Leave a comment

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Today I was at a hair appointment, getting my highlights done (by the amazing Raisa at Bumble and Bumble Uptown in NYC, FYI), when this totally cute, super-gay dude in his mid-30s -- a senior colorist there -- bounced over to us, wiggled his way in front of my salon chair and started about moaning about his neck.

"Oh my Gawwwd," he groaned, pulling down the collar of his chunky sweater. "My neck. My neck!" It was a perfectly good-looking man neck. "I've had my neck done three times ! THREE TIMES! And there's still a line. There's a line on my neck!"

There was a line on his neck. Then I looked at my neck, and Raisa's neck, and there was a line on our necks, too. Like a crease-line, and that's what this guy was obsessing over.

"I have to get my neck re-done," he told us. "Neck job #4. Ugh. I can't bear it!"

Then I got home and opened my email to this press release about aesthetic bellybutton surgery, and was all, People are actually into this weird surgery, so I should probably be reporting it.

SO. Here's an excerpt from the press release of a plastic surgeon delightfully named Dr. Richard Chaffoo! I've highlighted the parts I find most weird:

"Umbilicoplasty can turn almost any shape or size of bellybutton into almost any other shape/size, and in many cases, umbilicoplasty patients are attempting to create a more youthful looking bellybutton [...] In most umbilicoplasty cases, the patient wants to correct a protruding bellybutton, or turn their "out tie" into an "annie". Desired umbilicoplasty results are usually a vertical bellybutton or one that is T-shaped, with a tiny flap of skin overhanging the belly button."

How many incarnations of bellybutton shape and size are there?! Do people really have old-looking bellybuttons, or just older-looking bellies? Since when is an "innie" called an "annie"? What is a "vertical" bellybutton? How is a "T-shaped" bellybutton "with a tiny flap of skin" hanging over it desirable?! 

Fascinating!

Well, sort of. Obviously I've heard of this surgery before. I just never bothered really reading about it. The press release says the procedure is "inexpensive," quick, and you "can return to work the same day you get it done." Yeah, with an oozy gauzed-up bellybutton wound! HOT. (I mean it! I live for BEAUTY GORE in the workplace!  I'd be showing that mess off to Jane Pratt the second I got back to the office! And giving everyone a daily "Scab Update.") 

Anyway, who hates their bellybutton? Would you consider getting this done? What about a neck job? I might do either just to have something to write about. Let's go.