The Finger Test Is The New Stupid Arbitrary Standard To Decide If You're Beautiful or Ugly

Having worked as a model, I'm obviously no stranger to being judged by arbitrary beauty standards.

May 2, 2014 at 2:00pm | Leave a comment

Having worked as a model, I'm obviously no stranger to being judged by arbitrary beauty standards. I almost lost it the first time someone said "thigh gap" to me in real life and wasn't being sarcastic. I was meeting with a new agency and had to change into a bikini so they could evaluate me. (Cool, self-confidence building.)

One of the agents said, "Wow, you've got a great thigh gap!"

My first reaction was to smack her. Instead, I smiled and said, "Thanks." I was waiting for her to say I was her "thinspiration" so I could vomit all over her.

You're constantly scrutinized for any of the normal signs of aging, a big no-no in the industry. If you are a 16-year-old, you are treated like a goddess. If you are a 20-year-old who looks like a 16-year-old, you are treated pretty well. But if you are a 25-year-old, you have to say you are 20 if you wanted to work as much as the younger girls, no matter what you look like. At 30, my days as a model are pretty much numbered.

Of course, you also have to fit into sample sizes, so your bust has to be less than 34 inches, waist less than 25 inches, and hips no larger than 35 inches. My hips were originally measured at 35.5 inches and it was a big deal to lose that half inch. Obviously the human has to change shape to accommodate the lifeless piece of thread and cloth instead of the other way around.

So I don't really need another stupid way to feel bad about my face and/or body, but if you're looking for one, now there's the "Beauty and Ugliness Identification Method" aka the "finger trap." It was originated in China on their most popular social media site called Weibo.

Here's what it is: Put your index finger against your chin and nose. If it touches your lips, that means you're beautiful. if your lips do not touch your index finger, you are a hideous beast.

Here are the results when I conducted a super-scientific experiment:

1. Me

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What do I win?!?!

Well well well, looks like SOMEONE is beautiful despite not showering in 2 days and forgetting to brush her hair or wash her face because she was too tired from doing laundry and eating a fried chicken sandwich last night (me).

I think the real winner here is my overbite forcing my top lip to stick out and touch my finger, just saying.

 2. Jensen

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Uh oh...

Jensen also wanted to add that he thinks this test is very antisemitic. I told him that he would always be beautiful to me (I'm totally kidding, I'm never talking to him again).

3. Bill Murray the cat

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You're still purrrrfect to me

Bill Murray wasn't very excited about this test either. He kept meowing and trying to lick my finger. Let's be honest, Bill is the most beautiful of the three. So what does this all mean? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AND EVERYONE SHOULD STOP DOING IT.

Apparently cosmetic surgeons use this "golden-ratio" finger test to asses cosmetic treatments. If your nose, lips, and chin line up in a perfect line, it's ideal. Ideal for who, I'm not sure.

Obviously it's not healthy to judge ourselves by these ludicrous standards. I don't mean to sound like your mom, but real beauty is measured in your compassion, sense of humor, confidence and so on. The finger trap is obviously stupid, but so is the thigh gap and that's now part of the common lexicon and poisoning 12-year-old girls' minds everywhere.

These stupid "beauty tests" are getting out of hand and are frankly damaging to everyone. And while we're at it, stay away from those apps that "measure" your "facial symmetry" to determine good-looking you are. I love my phone, why would I want it to cyberbully me?