SUMMER OF SEXY: How I'm Gonna Get Really, Really Tan This Summer (BONUS: No Death Tans. Or Leatherface!)

How obsessed am I with this new tanning lotion With SPF 30 already? Oh VERY.

Jun 20, 2011 at 10:02am | Leave a comment

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OK, so can I just say that I haven't actually TRIED this new product, officially named Australian Gold SPF 30 Spray Gel With Instant Bronzer? But let me tell you: I have a VERY good feeling about it.Why? IT SMELLS EXACTLY LIKE TANNING BED LOTION. 

Fine: I may just be falling me a quick marketing gimmick, something in my long-honed and very careful-for-your-sake beauty editor instincts is all, No, they are telling the truth: this will make me tan and protect my skin at the same time. From their website: "Our spray gel formulas combine sun protection and great color!" Ohhh, yes: I die! Happy-die.

Dude, but really, what's not to believe?! First of all, I LOVE tanning beds (this is not an argument that gives anyone any credibility, per se , but stay with me). They are lightboxes of death to be sure -- literally, glowing vessels that you climb into AS YOU WOULD A COFFIN, then PULL SHUT UPON YOURSELF as you stick on your Winkies and headphones and drift happily, irrevocably, down that ultra-seductive River Styx to Quick-Fix And Temporary Sexy. But FACT: There was a time, even when I was a beauty editor and as recently as this year -- that nothing cheered me right the hell up quite like a Death Tan. Just the SMELL of the lotions and things. The vitamin D! Sigh.

And word, I'm not gonna tell you not to go Death Tanning! You do what you want. Duh, I am not THAT beauty editor (and, uh, health editor) or person. But you know what? My sister and I were talking the other day about them and both of us conceded that they DO make you look old -- not just in the long-term, though both of us are under 30 and don't even know yet -- but like a WEEK later.

After the tan wears off, there's a true leatherface effect! And not in a scary-but-delightful way á la this Child Leatherface-from-"The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" costume, or my next-big-thing hairstylist friend Chas "Leatherface" Ryu (FACT: He trims hair outdoors, for extra sun damage). Just in an ugly way. Straight up, tanning beds make you look older and lose elasticity, and it happens faster in the face than you think. 

I can't f--- with them. NAH. 

(Besides --and I've said it before and I'll say it again, when I stop caring about how I look in the face -- I'll just start using METH. Not EVEN tanning beds.)

But back to this Australian Gold lotion. IT SMELLS LIKE EXPENSIVE TANNING SALON TANNING LOTION, like those you get suckered into dropping an extra $8 on by the girls at the counter (whom I am always rudely but sneakily searching the 21-year-old faces of for sun damage and wrinkles, natch; and who always are darting off with a spray bottle to wipe your bed free of sweat from the last dumb ho like you who decided it was a good idea to Fry for Beauty).

I don't know what this "bronzing agent" is, just like I've never really understood tanning lotions. Do they work, the $8 packets? Do they really do anything? Do you get darker? I think so. Which is why when a company that makes them comes out with sunscreen, I get really, really excited. I mean, they say that it just gives you an "instant" bronzing effect on all these websites, whatever that means, and that's fine with me. IMMEDIATE GRATIFICATION. Just like a tanning bed.

Maybe I'm just a fool -- well, definitely I'm a fool, but I'm a fool dead set on breathlessly reporting beauty products that will make us look hot. (And also the books that will make us FEEL hot, like "NAKED INSTINCT: The Unauthorized Biography of Sharon Stone" -- who, you may or may not know, is the only woman that really matters to me and yes that is decidedly excluding Jane and my sister) (NO I AM JOKING) (VAGUELY).

Do you still hit the tanning beds? And do you buy lotion? Or when or why did you stop tanning? And what are your get-tan secrets? Or do you think tans are tacky? Or are you not some dumb white chick who wants to get tan like me, and who wants to son me a little in the comments section? All are awesome potential comments. GO!