I basically called my mom for help. Except when I say mom, I mean an esthetician.
If you've been reading my articles since I joined the XO team, you probably know I'm single and have been for almost eight years.
Admittedly, when it comes to finding ways to meet guys, I haven't really reached outside of my comfort zone; I've stuck to online dating pretty loyally. What's that annoying, overused quote about the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result? Consider me diagnosed.
I suppose I could try speed dating; maybe taking a class where I could meet people with similar interests; go to bars more often; linger in the grocery store a little longer?
Nope, that makes too much sense. Instead, I've decided to keep my search within the industry.
If you're familiar with Lush, you've probably noticed the little stickers on their packaging: an illustrated headshot of the person who made that particular product. That's what Lush calls a Compounder.
So I asked the good folks at Lush to send me some products made by their single, male Compounders so I could essentially go on blind dates with their creations. Whichever Compounder made the product I end up liking best would be my new boyfriend.
Seems reasonable, right?
I tried each one while keeping the sticker covered, so I could make a pure, heartfelt (skinfelt?) decision about who would be the new love of my life. Then I took them all on an awkward, reality-show-style date to a cafe in my neighborhood to let them know my decision. Here's how it went.
Dream Cream is a rich body lotion that works well for everyone, which is probably why it's a best-seller; but it's especially helpful on sensitive skin, thanks to an oat milk blend.
It really does feel amazing going on, and it leaves skin quite comfortable; definitely a great cold-weather choice. But because I could notice a lavender scent--and I'm not a fan of lavender--I just don't think it's for me.
The Compounder: Reya
I'm sorry, Reya. You are clearly a stud with a killer smile, but it's just not a love connection.
EAU ROMA WATER
Eau Roma Water is a sprayable toner, and an impressive one at that. It helps keep skin balanced and calm with just two active ingredients! Rose (yay!) and lavender (uh-oh).
While I can appreciate what lavender does for skin, I just don't do well with its scent. Plus, Eau Roma Water is intended for dry, mature skin, which I don't have.
The Compounder: Arnel
Arnel, you obviously have the best of intentions, but I feel like you don't really know me. I'm afraid we're not meant to be.
The simply-named Coconut is a deodorant powder, and man, does it smell amazing! No lavender here!
A mix of cornstarch and powdered coconut milk helps absorb stinkiness. But I'm a big sweater, so I just don't think this will be enough for my underarms--I'm an antiperspirant kinda gal. I will, however, take a cue from Annie and sprinkle it in my shoes.
The Compounder: Drew
Drew! How do you not leave the factory with coconut powder all up in your glorious mutton chops every day? Your facial hair is truly magnificent, as is your work, but I don't think we're a match.
9 TO 5
This cleansing lotion is brilliant, especially for someone like me whose bathroom is so small that she can't wash her face over the sink. You simply smooth it all over your face, and then remove it with a cotton pad; no water needed to get rid of all your makeup.
My only reservation: again, the scent. It's actually quite lovely, due to orchid and ylang ylang. But if I'm being perfectly honest, I want a less-intense, more freshly-cleansed scent when I'm taking off the crap of the day.
The Compounder: Madu
A curveball! Madu and I have history. He made one of my key cleavage-supplementing products, Lovely Jubblies. But I suppose this is for the best; I'd never know for sure if he likes me for me or my boobs.
MASK OF MAGNAMINTY
Mask of Magmaminty looks and smells like mint chocolate chip ice cream.
The clay-based formula helps draw out grossness from your pores in a tingly but not ouchy way. And get this: you can use it on your back, too!
OK, so I love this product, but I have one question: How am I supposed to apply it to my back when no one is around? Lush Compounders are in Canada, so this will obviously be a long-distance relationship I'm getting into, and this product is clearly intended for people with live-in significant others who are cool with each other's bacne.
The Compounder: Adrian
Adrian, you make an AMAZING product. But if you're not going to be around to help me apply it the recommended once a week, I don't think it's gonna work out.
I know I probably shouldn't get naked on the first date, but it was kind of necessary in the case of Rose Jam. It's a shower gel that puts a tangy spin on rose with a hint of lemon (soooo much better than lavender, in my opinion).
The scent is super-subtle, but the conditioning it does as it cleanses is not: argan oil gets skin all sorts of soft (OK, maybe just one sort of soft).
You guys, I think this may be the one.
The Compounder: Greg
Greg, while I am terrified of making out with someone who has lip piercings, you are undeniably hot. Does your stubble look that solid in person?
Rose Jam may be limited-edition, but my love for you is not. And by "love" I mean my willingness to make out with you if you ever visit New York. Text me.
Who's your favorite Lush Compounder? Do you think Greg will call me? Should I make a surprise visit to Vancouver? What are the restraining order laws like in Canada?