SHAMPOOING: YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG! INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO, WATCH ME SHOWER.

And a cautionary tale about self-inflicted teenage stoner brain damage.

Nov 2, 2012 at 10:00am | Leave a comment

I’ll preface this by acknowledging that human beings have many different types of hair, similar to how humans have different taste in music or cartoon artists. This might not work for you, okay? But it might.

Plus I hadn’t showered in four days, so for my own personal convenience you’re about to get some shampoo knowledge dropped all over your face and into your eyeballs

My hair is long, wavy, and color-treated because I like to make my mom cry. She totally cried when she saw my dark brown hair -- stepped outside and everything. It was so awkward! 

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Helpful hint: Find friends with good hair to support your good hair habits. This is Rose; she’s British -- even better! Five minutes around her and I’m using three-syllable words, rounding my Os, and slightly upping my tone at the end of every sentence. This was in a male model's apartment, by the way. And that was my face when I discovered that I hate male models.

She didn’t even get that emotional after finding my homemade Sculpey clay pipes when I was a problem teenager, turning to the finest schwag small-time high school weed peddlers could offer to remedy the emotional trauma of being bullied by the most acidic, hateful, ugly girl gang compared to anything I’ve seen even on a serious Matt Lauer Today segment. Just kidding, those twats were total losers and I didn’t let them affect me in the slightest. **flips hair** 

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 Found out recently that my mom actually kept these. What the fuck? I was pretty dexterous at 15 -- why do they look like I rushed some Play-Doh spoons so we’d have enough silverware to play “house” at recess? I like to think of them in a box atop that macaroni collage we all did when we were five. Because next to shitty baby art is the only place that these deserve to be.

But seriously, NEVER smoke anything out of Sculpey clay. Burning it releases Pine-Sol-flavored, most-likely-toxic, chemical smoke that you should probably avoid putting in or around your face. And it totally ruins the taste of some dank Colorado Kush.

Anyway, the irreversible brain damage suffered from the inhalation of smoked Sculpey clay is probably why I talk like a pill-head Valley Girl raised on E! and Panda Express. I’m not! Unless you count vitamins, like gelatin capsules, for beautiful hair. And that was my segue into my shampoo tutorial.

Taking a baby ass wipe to the face, rubbing that fancy skeleton makeup from your delicate eye skin? Why not grab your roommate from her midterm studies and make shower movies?

1.Avoid washing, heat, and sun at all costs.

Come on, this goes hand-in-hand with “diet and exercise” as an all-of-you-know-this beauty and health tip. I’m not advocating the “no shampoo” movement, because it actually sounds like way more work than just enjoying a nice head lather every now and then. Just wait until the grease renders your roots stiff and immobile -- when you start feeling itchy tingles, like something might be crawling around up there.

2.Brush out tangles on dry hair, from your ends up, with a natural bristle brush before showering.

Shampooing tangled hair will exacerbate the knots. 

3.Invest in high-quality shampoo.

Bad shampoo is just hair detergent.  Good shampoo, like Davines NouNou, has expensive, fancy ingredients that make you use less of it because you can’t drop $30 a month on shampoo. Because, surprise, this tip is really about using only a little bit! It just takes a quarter-sized amount to rid your roots of grease. I’m judging so hard all of you who lather up your lengths and ends. When you rinse, a light, hazy white, warm drizzle of shampoo-ey water will get those just fine. 

4. Slather loads of conditioner on your lengths and ends and tie up into a bun for the rest of your shower.

It’s kind of like deep conditioning every time you shower, which is probably what Beyoncé, and Kelly Osbourne’s boyfriend, and other rich celebrities do. When you’re picking between the lime green and the purple bottles, compare ingredients to see which lists the natural oils first. Higher on the list means higher oil content.

5.Slap some serum on the ends and air dry.

And continue on with your life.