I guess people are expecting me to come back swinging at all of this stuff that’s been written about me on the internet in the past ten days or so, and that’s not going to happen. The idea of engaging in some sort of debate about personal responsibility and reproductive rights and all that with a bunch of other websites is a nightmare. I could be getting xojane a lot more traffic right now than I am, but I just…I don’t know. I don’t have it in me.
Sorry. SORRY. But I don’t!
Are you disappointed? I’m sort of disappointed in myself for not having more of a fighting spirit about it all, but at the end of the day, I have to watch out for myself and make sure that I don’t get sucked into some online vacuum. It’s clearly not somewhere someone like me should go. I’ve found all of these other articles and comments calling me an idiot or whatever basically just depressing. But yet I can’t even articulate why or how. So while I’ve read them, I’ve only read them once.
I’m sensitive; I’m stupid. I’m sad. I’m strange. I’m awesome; I’m terrible. I’ve been sick for a long time, and I get better and I get worse and I get better again and worse again. I’m vaguely a public, um, internet figure now. For the past five months, all the things that I think have been documented on the internet, because that’s my job all of a sudden. Reading back through things I’ve written about my problems or whatever, I get lost in it all. Is this real life?, a commenter wrote of that article, and the answer is I don’t even know.
I don’t have the answers for you, and that seems to be so much of the problem that people have with me.
I’d like a break, but wouldn’t we all? Instead, I have beauty products to transport me to another place. If you’re going to attack in the comments about what a hazy leap from self-reflection to beauty product placement that was, well, welcome to my column. It’s always a fucking mess, and so am I! Deal with it.
ANYWAY. Let’s drag poor Bobbi Brown into all this, shall we? Because the best beauty product in the entire world for making you ignore your troubles is her Bobbi Brown Beach Body Oil. Yeah, I’ve written about it before, but this is my beauty section and there aren’t any rules:
Basically this is an oil that you put all over your body in order to look just a little bit more tan, a whole lot gleamier, and generally just sort of gorgeous and dewy. It makes you smell like suntan lotion, and it’s fantastic. There’s no SPF or anything boring in it either -- just perfect, wafting perfumey-ness, though it isn’t particularly perfume-y at all. It’s just perfect. You feel like you're on an island, even though you're just in your apartment, avoiding emails. I also like to pour a little bit of it in my bathwater.
Similarly transportative (YUP, I made up that word) is any and all things by Pure Fiji, the best bath and body brand in the world. Courteney Cox-Arquette agrees with me. I am particularly obsessed with their to-die-for Coconut Hydrating Body Lotion:
…which smells so creamy and good on your skin that you suddenly understand why some body lotions deserve to cost $33.95. It’s worth it every single time. It’s the best brand in the world. I am obsessed with all coconut products, and none so much as this one.
Finally, the third product that I love for escapism is old-fashioned Mr. Bubble:
When’s the last time you used Mr. Bubble? Go buy some NOW. Nothing does the bubble-creating job better. I go through a bottle of this stuff a week. I am never NOT in a massive, bubbly bath, and that includes at 2 pm on weekday afternoons when I should be doing more responsible things, like working. But we all know I’m irresponsible. And addicted to self-soothing.
Anyway, this has been a rather vague column about a whole bunch of vague ideas. What’s new? Tune in tomorrow, when I make something else up.
In the meantime, though, what do you use to feel good?