My Ongoing Quest for Creepily Matte Skin

I look like a Mediterranean Data from "Star Trek." Just like I've always wanted!

Oct 3, 2011 at 10:00am | Leave a comment

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When my mom and I go out, people always think that we're sisters. Which was cute when I was like eight, but not so much 20-odd years later when maybe it means that I am starting to look like the sister of someone in her 50s (I LOVE YOU MOM.)

But I don't feel too bad, because real talk: My mom has incredible skin. Her secret? Being a filthy dirty Greek person!

No, seriously. People on the Greek* side of my family secrete oil like ducks, which means we are very well-preserved. Much like sardines. This ALSO means that we can get shiny at the drop of a hat. (That's me, sans fards above, shiny just from sitting in my house.)

Nothing is more annoying to me than looking in the mirror like 10 minutes after leaving the house and being able to see my reflection in my reflection in my reflection. I'm not like you Irish people, who can just wake up every day, cut a curl of Irish Spring off the bar with your pocket knives and walk around without looking like human lamé. Powder never lasts and worse, clogs your pores. So fuck it! Don't use that.

Use this 3-part combo because IT WORKS! I mean, not for sweating. That's a different issue. But this is good for shiny girls. Remember, pale girls may not look like Artie Lange on humid days, but we brown people will age like a well-cared-for baseball mitt. It's all pretty cheap, too!

1. Pond's Perfect Matte Oil Control Foam

Hey, Pond's is for old ladies, right? Well, yeah, kind of. But I notice a significant difference when I cleanse with this. But it is a little drying, even on an oil-slicked Eugenides hide like mine, so alternate with Cetaphil.

2. Dermalogica Clearing Mattifier

THIS STUFF. IS THE JAM. It's a lot like a good Catholic girl in that it won't sit on your face for anything. I have never had anything that works so instantly and effectively. This stuff! Is Matte! Gold!

3. Shiseido Blotting Papers

You can buy the drug store kind, but these are just better. Don't ask me why. I think it's because they're Japanese and Japanese people are all about being matte. See: kabuki.

If you guys have a good system worked out, do let me know. You are a star, Dirk Diggler! You're a star. A matte, matte-y star.

*Side note: isn't it weird that there's no derogatory ethnic slang for Greek people? Can we start one? I like "Sea Wops."