MY NAME IS DITA: SEXXXY Beauty Products From The Most Glam Erotica Boutiques On The Planet

PLUS: what I gave Courtney Love for Christmas!

Feb 2, 2012 at 4:07pm | Leave a comment

Wassup, hoes! My name is Catya, and I’ll be your mistress tonight! Now if there’s one place I didn’t look sexy, it was at the Agent Provocateur boutique the other night surrounded by saucy lingerie models.

Luckily I believe that being around gorgeous, glamorous people makes YOU more gorgeous and glamorous, so that said, I look really bad in all the photos we took there to run with this post! Like David Spade, wearing a wig. (Swag though!)

So you're not seeing those photos.

Okay, so I am a wicked fan of high-end sex shops. Half the time I can’t afford a thing in there, and since I willingly maintain no intimate relationships, I have no one to buy this stuff for me. Besides, surely the few men I bone would not be interested in purchasing me this:

image
The Kiki de Montparnasse Full Face Square Mask! Yes, my all-time favorite movie is “Eyes Wide Shut”, and participating full-throttle in a massive masked orgy of an underground cult like this one:

…is my ultimate sex dream. (If you haven’t seen “Eyes Wide Shut”, get ON that! The password is FILDELIO.)

Anyway, you don't have to buy a kinky sex mask to get into the EROTICA spirit. First of all, you should buy the Madonna "SEX" book on Amazon or Ebay stat (my friend wrote in mine, but whatever):

Because it's basically the best thing in the world to have in your home, on your coffee table. Trust me.

But there are actual beauty products to go with this story, and I suggest you buy them for yourself for Valentine's Day! And then get sexy. No, these are not sexual aids or glamorous lubes -- we'll save that for another time -- just suprisingly affordable (because like nothing else at these places is) beauty products from a few of the best luxury erotic boutiques in the world.

Let's start with this amazing Coco de Mer Milk Bath, which is a pretty reasonable $25:

image

Isn't this to die? Coco de Mer is the glam designer lingerie and sex toy boutique with fabulous stores in London and Santa Barbara (weird). This bag is full of powdery, sweet-smelling powder that turns your bath tub into a milk saucer in which you can sexily luxuriate. (Just go with it.)

The thing I love most about this product is the text on the bag, an exerpt from the erotic novel "The Story of the Eye" by George Batille: "Now in the corner of the hallway there was a saucer of milk for the cat. ‘Milk is for the pussy, isn’t it? Said Simone. Do you dare me to sit in the saucer?” I dare you’, I answered almost breathless."

Do you love it? You love it. You can keep condoms in the bag after you run out of the milk bath, like I do. Hopefully, unlike me, you will then use them.

My next product is...

Kiki de Montparnasse Restraint Tape; it costs only $25 in store where everything else costs $500, and it is fucking sexy. Fine! Not a beauty product! But who can resist this?

In fact, it is so awesome that I had to give it to our columnist Courtney Love for Christmas (I brought it to her house and put it under her tree!), because she likes glamorous kinky stuff. As you’ll see in her next xoJane column!

For the sake of including a beauty product, also from Kiki are these lovely soaps:

…which are $20; whatever. There are also $5 condoms, which I like because I totally want to only use $5 condoms. Glamorous! And I am WORTH IT.

Next up, we're dropping the  $25-and-under-thing to write about those Agent Provocateur perfumes I was talking about before:

image

These are the new lighter, daytime versions of the existing lovely (and rather sensual, if I do say so) A.P. scent, which you can check out here. They don't launch until April, though (even though Julie is insisting they are available now, I am quite certain that she is wrong wrong wrong -- they're out in APRIL!).

All smell to-die-for insane, with coriander, musk, ylang-ylang, and more, and the packaging is so sexy and great; I just love them. I use them to spray on my sheets, since I generally prefer to smell like suntan lotion. Surely you are more feminine and sophisticated than I, and so these fragrances are for you.

Have you ever been in an Agent Provocateur store? It's sort of rad:

image

Julie and I both got sexy stockings as gifts when we went! I haven't looked at mine closely yet, but seriously, every time I go to an event at a lingerie store and get gifted tights, I open them and they are CROTCHLESS! And no one else's are that attended the event -- everyone else gets normal ones! Seriously.

image

Whip Me Stockings! So hot? Right?

Anyway. Where do you go shopping when you want to get sexy stuff?

Cat's keeping it kinky on Twitter. Follow her, slave! (Omigod, just kidding.)