Oh, haven’t you heard? The holiday season is here again.
GREAT. I’m just as exasperated as all of you are. I’m not over here like, advocating for Christmas cheer or whatever, please. I can’t stand hearing Christmas music wherever I go. I hate hearing people brag about throwing their “ugly sweater parties” as if they were the first loser to come up with this brilliant idea. And last but not least, the weather. I know the last thing you want to hear is me bitching about the frigid weather, as if I’m the only one on planet earth who’s experiencing it, but, hey, a bitch gets cold.
But what I do love about the holidayz? Shopping! No, not buying gifts for others, FOOLS. Shopping for myself! Although, I do take holiday shopping for my family and friends very seriously, if only because it is a thinly veiled excuse for me to shop for myself! HATE ON ME. I’ll have you know that I am an excellent gift giver, as I have exquisite taste. But why should I waste it on everyone else?!
I know that they say that it is better to give than to receive, but during the holidays, it's important to remember the reason for the season: Getting sick and tired of spending your hard-earned money on everyone else when you should be buying for yourself.
Ho ho ho.
While everyone else is compiling holiday gift guides, I, for one, am way more creative than that (when I publish my “Holiday Gift Guide For The Man In Your Life” next, please forget I said this). Instead, I’m going to show you everything that I am going to buy for myself this holiday season, because I’ll be damned if I’m going to fight for a parking spot at the mall for 25 minutes and not walk out with something for me.
Years ago, my mom was like “I don’t like body butter” and I was like “OK, neither do I.” And that’s how I formed my opinion on all body butters. To this day, I pretty much feel the same. I don’t like cream lotions to begin with, and most body butters are everything I hate about creams, taken to the next level of my distaste. They’re heavy, greasy, and never soak in.
And then, all of that changed. One product came and saved us from the perils of regular body butters.
Josie Maran's argan oil is whipped into a light, creamy body butter that is neither heavy nor greasy. I’m not even sure why I tried this stuff out in the first place, since I am usually so averse to it, but I have been in love with it ever since I first used it. The body butter makes it easy to smear your entire body in all of the amazing benefits of argan oil. It’s rich and hydrating, soaks in without leaving a greasy residue, and smells incredible. It comes in two scents, actually, Sweet Citrus and Vanilla Apricot. Which one is my favorite? I’m actually not sure because I love them both.
Stop rolling your eyes, of course I’m writing about this. I love nail polish and I love Demi Lovato and it is the holiday season, god damn it.
Are you familiar with The New Black? They’re one of the nail companies that turn out sick nail art kits. The thing that sets them apart is that they’re more about the polish itself than all of the other shit you’re piling on top of it. They’re constantly releasing new kits packed with great colors and studs, stickers, and anything else you can adhere to your digits to take them above and beyond.
AND NOW THEY COLLABORATED WITH DEMI LOVATO! YAAAS!!!
Like any good pop star, Demi's nails are always totally next level. Just look!
Pop icon, hair innovator, nail art connoisseur, and the voice of our generation has joined forces with The New Black to bestow upon us nail art kits that will finally bring us peasants up to her level. Available in packs of three and five bottles, the sets come with BEAUTIFUL polishes, mini-studs, pyramid studs, and flake top coats that I am hashtag obsessing over.
Decent nail studs are hard to find (know a good retailer? link me) so I really appreciate being hooked up with them in a kit. Sure, I hate when they snag on my pockets and on my keys and fall into my drink and whatever else, but it’s WORTH IT. Don’t tell me it's not. What could be better than locking yourself in your apartment on a cold winter day, marathoning all of the trash TV you’ve had saved up on your DVR for months, and giving yourself a manicure that you know is going to absolutely KILL everyone else’s, should you ever decide to venture outdoors? Nothing. Bye.
The sets are available on Ulta.com and they're selling fast, so grab them while you can.
This is a new brow product that I’m dying to take for a test drive, and will soon be doing just that. It’s a highly pigmented, waterproof brow gel made for filling in and correcting brows. I’m thinking it’s the Lip Tar of brows.
My eyebrows are fine, I GUESS, but not fine enough. I’m a beauty writer, that means meticulously dissecting everything that could be considered normal about my appearance, then finding a product to enhance my perceived flaws and thus improve my overall quality of life. I suppose I could just learn to love my imperfections, but that wouldn’t give me an excuse to get brow gel, now would it?
I’ll just say it: I want porn star brows. With Makeup Forever’s Aqua Brow, I think they can be achieved. I like the idea of a gel more than a brow powder anyway. Just give me a good angled brush and watch me go to town.
Oh, and speaking of Makeup Forever!
Hi, we’re Makeup Forever and we’re literally going to sell you a pot of jewels.
Yes. Makeup Forever is now selling pots of colored jewels that you can put, well, anywhere, I suppose. There are thirteen colors available, and I love every single one of them. Of course I do.
These small, flat-back stones can be applied to your lash line, your eyes, your brows, hell, anywhere! If it were me, I’d forgo my face and stick them straight on my nails, but that’s just me. I’d stick an iPad to my nail if I were sure it wouldn’t fly off by the end of the night.
Is this a silly beauty product? Of course it is, but you wouldn’t be reading this if you were looking for serious. That’s boring. But is it the most absurd beauty product we’ve ever seen? Not by far, and that’s what’s great.
What are you buying for yourself this holiday? What are you buying for your loved ones? What’s on your list? Besides all of this, all I want is an Alpine White BMW M3, a black Celine Luggage Tote, a rhinestoned T-Mobile Sidekick II, and world peace.
Tynan is greedy on Twitter @TynanBuck.