I Hate Athleticism, But Here Are 3 Eye Makeup Looks Inspired By The Olympics Anyway

I’m going for the gold. And the silver... And the bronze.

As a rule, I’m
opposed to public displays of athleticism. I like staying fit and active, but I
do it in the privacy of my own home or at least within the confines of a small
yoga studio like a decent, self-respecting human.

I loathe going
to the gym. I can’t handle rows of grunting dudes in cut-off t-shirts, counting
their muscles as they ripple across their body, lifting and pressing my body
weight while their little heads redden as if they’re a testosterone push-pop
about to be pushed up too far.

I’m not into
sports, either. In college, I went to football game tailgates but never the
actual game. (OK, that had more to do with the number of pre-game drinks I
consumed and less to do with my lack of interest in athletics, but bear with
me.) I don’t do basketball--too squeaky. Baseball? Boring. Tennis? Ugh, makes
my neck hurt. Golf? Yeah, golf is all right with me but only because it maintains
an air of snobbery I’ve found appealing since girlhood. Also, my dad golfs, and he
is the coolest.

Other than golf,
I typically only make one annual exception for my anti-athleticism attitude, and
that’s for the Olympics.

I’m a
sentimental person, and there’s something terrifically inspiring about seeing
the world come together every few years for a couple weeks’ worth of
competition. I always make time to watch the world’s greatest athletes take the
stage and spin in sparkly circles atop the ice, skate super-fast, hurl
themselves down a frosty tube inside a shiny bobsleigh, or slide large, round,
flat stones across a slippery surface and use brooms to do… something? Olympic
curling is way weirder than hair curling.

This year’s
Olympics feel very different, though, for obvious reasons. There’s a whole lot
of terrible going on in Sochi, and I’m not just talking about the hotel
accommodations for journalists. I try not to associate with hateful humans in
any way, and so I’ve had a hard time with this year’s Olympics. Because I’m not
cool with the host country’s behavior and also because I don’t have cable or free
time, I haven’t watched ANY of the Olympics this year. I’m a little sad about
it.

So I’ve decided
to celebrate my love for the Olympics in my own way: with some makeup looks
inspired by the medals awarded at every game.

BRONZE

While bronze may
denote the lowest tier of the three Olympic medals, nary a metallic has found
more usage in our collective cosmetic lexicon. A modest tin of shimmering
bronzer can take me back to high school faster than shots of Absolut Cranberry,
Ugg boots, and “Clumsy” on repeat.

But for this
look, we’re going for bronze on our eyes rather than heavily and unevenly over
our entire face, like 16-year-old Rachel would.

I started by
covering my mobile lid with a layer of Maybelline Color Tattoo Cream Gel Shadow
in Bad to the Bronze.

Then I used NYX
Jumbo Eye pencil in Bronze to outline the outside borders of my lids. I used
a stiff shadow blending brush to blend the two together.

Then I grabbed a
small liner brush. I’m actually using the brush that came with my L’Oreal Infallible
Gel Laquer Liner. I use a stiffer angled brush with that stuff, but the brush
that came with it is nice when I want a softer application.

I used that
brush to draw a thin line of the Maybelline bronze shadow along my lower lash
line, and extending up to meet my upper lashes.

Wrapping this
bronze color around really brings out any gold flecks in your eye color,
especially brown eyes. Brown eyes rule.

I completed the
look with Revlon Colorburst Lipgloss in Bordeaux, a deep red that’s soft and
slightly shimmery.

SILVER

We’re getting
bolder now, and weirder as well. Silver is not a color I often wear on my face,
because my complexion is a bit too warm for it, methinks. I’ve always envied
women with cooler skin tones, who look amazing in silvers, jewel tones and
jet-black hair. The grass is always greener on someone else’s complexion, ya
know?

Sometimes I want
to look like the lovechild of The White Witch and the Tin Man, though, so here we
go.

I started by
covering most of my mobile lid with NYX Jumbo Eye Pencil in Milk, which acts
as a white base so the silver will really stand out.

I then went over
the white shadow with the shimmery, silver shadow from the NYC Smoky Charcoal palette.

The silver on
its own is very striking, and not something I would typically wear, so I
decided to leave it very stark looking.

I used a stiff
angled brush and L’Oreal Infallible Gel Lacquer Liner to draw a cat eye, fading
it out at the outer ends.

I paired this
silvery, spacey look with a purple lip- specifically Revlon Matte Balm Stain in Shameless.

It’s not a terrible look for second place.

GOLD

We can’t even
talk about gold until I cue this song up.

Now that we’ve
settled that, let’s talk about gold, my FAVORITE COLOR. Honestly, if I had it my
way, my entire wardrobe would be black and gold. If you saw my closet, you’d
see I’m on my way there.

Gold makeup is
awesome, too. It’s close to bronze, but it’s better. It’s brighter, with more of
a yellow undertone while bronze veers towards brown. Gold is more exciting.
Also, it’s more expensive and therefore superior, obviously. That’s how life
works.

I know not all
that glitters is gold, but sometimes gold does glitter. (Eff that sentence.)
Such is the case with my new BFF, the NP Set All That Glitters Gel Duo.

I have never
tried any products from this line, which was created by Australian makeup
maestro Napoleon Perdis and launched in 2008. This little glittering duo
caught my wandering eye as I perused the clean and gleaming cosmetics aisles
one fateful Saturday afternoon.

This flashy
little bb was tossed haphazardly on a shelf by itself, with no signage in sight
to indicate its intended use or even its price. Irregardless, I tossed it in my basket and resumed merrily bounding
through the store. Luckily, it was only $10. I couldn’t wait to get home and
play with it. I’m 9.

I just used it
like eyeshadow. I found out LATER when I went online to learn more about it
that you shouldn’t use this stuff near your eyes, which makes sense. I
definitely got some glitter in my eyes and it hurt. I survived, but don’t try
it at home. I never said I was a role model.

It turned out
rad, though, y’all.

I started by
covering my lids with a yellow shadow from ELF’s Essential Little Black Beauty
Book.

Then, I just
used my fingers to glob glitter all over my face. It’s a sticky gel, and not
particularly easy to work with. I just kept picking up chunks of it and
smearing it around until I got the coverage I wanted. It was a beautiful mess,
indeed.

I found
eventually that dabbing it all over my lids up to my brows worked better than
trying to smear it on. Once I had enough glitter on, I smushed it all around a
bit to make it more even.

It wasn’t technically
perfect but, y’all, it was great. My face was glittering and glistening and
glimmering and shining like the top of the Chrysler building!

I think the
texture as well as the unevenness adds an interesting effect, like I crushed up
some gold leaf or I fell face first into the world’s most fabulous dirt pile.

I finished the
look with Revlon Just Bitten Kissable Balm Stain in Adore, and a bit more
glitter on my lips for good measure. According to the interblags, this product
is safe for your lips. Mmmmm, yummy glitter!

If you want to
recreate a gold look for yourself (and why wouldn’t you?), use a product with
glitter that’s safe for your eyes, please! My vision’s still perfect as ever
(suck it, four eyes!) but I have been finding glitter in my eyebrows for over a
week now. It isn’t the worst thing in the world, but it could have been worse.

I suggest using
Make Up For Ever Glitters or MAC Glitter. Do as I say, not as I do. (Liability,
yo.)

That said, you
should still pick up some of this NP glitter and smear it all over your face,
boobs, friends, cat, etc. It’s awesome and definitely gold-medal-worthy!

Have y’all been
watching the Olympics? Or have you just been LOL-ing at the Shoshi Olympics? You know I have. Tell me how you feel
about bronze, silver, and gold makeup looks. Tell me how you feel about using
makeup products incorrectly. Tell me literally anything.