I hate women who don't share their secrets. Hate is a strong word. I have an aversion.
It's one of my shit-tests for women. If you tell me, "Oh, I can't tell you that..." with patronizing doe-eyes and an up-speak punch on the accompanying "Sorry!" then I know you are not my people. Share! I like sharing.
So here's mine. My favorite makeup secret I discovered in the whole wide world when I was like 14 years old. Wow, frightening inappropriate over-sexualization at an early age. Going to put a pin in that for therapy
You know how awesome you feel when you have just gotten the living S banged out of you? Be it through your own fingers, your favorite man, your favorite woman or your favorite ménage, your JBF Glow is almost like -- people can smell it? Even when you've showered? Yeah, because YOU GET SHOWERED IN COMPLIMENTS, AMIRITE.
It's because your lips are slightly swollen and flush, your cheeks are too and guess what, even that little area above your eyes has a pinkish hue. ("Breaking Bad" imitation here.) Yo. Science, bitch!
I am often not actually having sex. Like, lately. At all. But I can still achieve the perfect JBF Glow with makeup, five minutes of exercise, hair product and ATTITUDE. That's right. ATTITUDE.
(Now I'm only putting this first because you may be running out to a date, want to look your best and don't have time for the other quickies on this list -- but scroll down to the exercise part if you do have time to incorporate).
So. Secret to the whole makeup universe. Get a grip. Get ready.
Under either the foundation base or the au natural, select one flattering lipstick, gloss or duo cheek tint -- and here's the really big key: Apply your chosen color to THREE areas. Your lips, a dab to your cheeks which you fake-flush in a C-shape up toward your cheekbones and here's the real revolution: on top of your eyelids as well.
SAME COLOR. A unity of flushy-fake-glow. All three places. Do it.
Colors: I like Lip Fusion in Dream, $13, NARS Illuminator in Orgasm, $30, and Smashbox Limitless Lip Stain & Color Seal Balm in Nude, $19.
Note: Many of these colors were found by walking into Sephora and asking the clerks, "What color will make a man fall in love with me instantly?", then relishing the mixture of pity and concern that subsequently flashed across their faces.
Now, look! Your face is biologically signifying delicious evolutionary imperative fertility, you've faked cheekbones and you've given yourself a subtle unity of color that doesn't even seem like it comes from makeup. Which leads me to the non-make-up parts of the JBF.
Get that blood pumping! It looks good on you. Do as many pushups as you can and do a downward dog yoga stretch (the best for blood flow).
Even if you had the sweetest make-up in the world, there is nothing more gorgeous than the circulatory glow that comes from literally taking 5 minutes to give your skin the benefits of this. Add a few jumping jacks for extra circulation boost.
If you're a noxious New Age type like me, then you think that salt has "cleansing properties." If you think that is wack, hey: exfoliation!
3. Hair product.
Don't overuse. Then you look like a greaser. Also a look. Not the JBF.
Yeah, girl! OK, know how when you've had really excellent sex (even with that gentle lover, your hand), you give the world an attitude of "I Don't Give a Care!" (as the hilariously sarcastic Colin Quinn has popularized in his bizarro alternate comedic identity male-Cathy-cartoon bit he seems to be perpetually doing on his Twitter account @iamcolinquinn and has hash-tagged with the exquisitely lame #IDGAC)?
Yeah. Do that.
Practicing the IDGAC can be done when you use the popular-girl technique of calling-it-out. Do it with your first few things in the morning. Whatever.
Tell your cat how many people you've slept with. Set an old diary on fire and say, "I am now setting an old diary on fire." Write a brutal bitter ruthless fake break-up email to your boss and then send it to your best friend instead. Know what? Because you don't give a care!
What are your favorite ways for achieving JBF Glow? Accompanying hair? When was the last time you had sex? Did you look amazing? Am I asking too many questions? Oh yeah? Well, IDGAC!