BEGONE, LONG BANGS!: What Beauty Trend Can You Just NOT Pull Off?

They're cute, I guess. But they're so much wooorrrkkkk...

May 10, 2013 at 9:00am | Leave a comment

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been gawking at girls in my neighborhood and wondering how the hell they deal with their bangs.

It’s not like I’m anti-bangs. Lots of my friends have bangs!

But, as I’ve mentioned, I recently got them. And a mere three weeks later, I feel like I’m constantly being stabbed straight in my eyeballs by wispy pieces of hair.

I feel like Victor, my friend who I dated briefly freshmen year of high school -- only to rip his heart out, as I was a ruthless bitch and liked NOTHING AT ALL at 14 -- who skateboarded, listened to Pink Floyd, and had to do that neck-jerk twitch-like maneuver to get the hair out of his eyes every 30 seconds.

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The first night I got them, I was like, "HOT! Selfie Instagram time!"

I feel like a dirty little alpaca

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Now, I just want them out of my F-ING FACE. 

Long bangs (my bang of choice) are cute and quite chic now, according to all the magazines I tore out of last night. Plus, they hide my forehead wrinkles. And they remind me of retro-hotties on motorbikes like Marianne Faithfull. (I showed her picture to the stylist who cut them for me -- per Siobhan_Naylor’s elbow nudge, danke -- as well as Alexa Chung's.

Am I really supposed to get them trimmed every month, though? I'm still not over the fact that I have to blow dry them out every time I don't want to look like someone jizzed all over my face. AND WHY DO THEY GET SO GREASY? 

OK, breathing. [Wheeze!] Here are a few reasons why bangs aren't working for me:

1) I have mad cowlicks in the front of my scalp. Since I've been wearing a beach-wavy, "Heehee, I might've had hot sex or maybe I just don't brush my hair!"-style for the past three years, I've since forgotten about these little fuckers. 

2) Stemming from point #1: Blow drying or brushing my hair? HA, no thanks. Bangs REALLY have to be styled if you don't want to look like a bum.

Using a paddle brush and a blow dryer with an air concentrator, I brush my hair to right side, and then to the left side while drying it, over and over, until the hair's nearly dry. (You do this to "confuse" the hair follicle so the hair doesn't dry one way or the other). Then I use a round boar bristle brush under the bangs, and, in a rolling motion, I pull the hair forward to dry it completely. 

And THEN sometimes (most of the time) I have to use a straightener to flatten them since my hair is naturally wavy and gigantic. So much time and effort I could be using to figure out new eyeliner techniques! 

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Middle part? I look like a little boy from the '70s.

3) Yes, the grease. My friend who's had bangs since I've known her warned me on my first day with them that they get greasy fast. "Oh, psst!" I scoffed with a flick of a wrist. "My hair and face never get greasy!"

Lo, bangs sure do get greasy quick! And then they get piece-y, flat, floppy, and, in general, not hot. Also: I hate washing my hair. 

For the days I don't stick the bangs out of my shower cap and wash the front section of my hair, I use dry shampoo up the wazoo to sop up grease. I like Umberto Umberto Dry Clean Dry Shampoo ($12.99), which I think you can only get at Target.

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The bottle I have from a couple months ago is gold. But this is the one on their site. So. (New packaging? I liked the gold.) 

I've tried many dry shampoos, and this one's my favorite: It's a spray powder that's not sticky nor too powdery. I've gotten a gaggle of my friends hooked on it. ('Cause I'm a product pusher.) 

The bottom line is sure, sure: Longs bangs are cute and retro-y. But they're too high-maintenance for me -- and I'm disgusting and really hate showering

And I suppose I can't help but stare at all these girls with "effortless" bangs in my 'hood 'cause I live in gentrified Bushwick, and showering, and looking neat and tidy here is SO not cool. So riddle me this: HOW? WHY? 

As I continue to pop my biotin supplements and blow dry until my arms shake, I want to know:

What beauty trend do you adore, but is just SO not for you? 

I won't talk about my bangs at all on Twitter, promise. BRB scheduling my bang trim: @caitlinthornton