"JERSEY SHORE" PSYCHOLOGY: Tanning and Doing Laundry Is the Secret To Being Foxy and Happy

Yes, tanning will kill you; I'm the worst health editor in the world blah blah blah shut UP. Now look at sexy J.WOWW!

Nov 4, 2011 at 11:01am | Leave a comment

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I really like this article I just read (blog-article) on the Psychology Today website that says being attractive to other people is more about how you take care of yourself than about anything you can really change. I’m one of those people (inverted narcissists?) who will literally waste six minutes a week staring in the mirror thinking about how if I got a tiny tweak nose job I’d be really, really pretty instead of just pretty, and then daydreaming about people admiring enhanced-me.

So reading stories like “Being Beautiful or Handsome is Easier Than You Think!” is good for me. I’m f-ing ridiculous!

The study was with 117 male and female college students, who were presented with 76 photos of the opposite sex. Whatever. Lazily lifted, as is my custom, from the article:

Their shocking finding was that, by far, the most attractive features fell under the category of "self care." These features were changeable aspects like good grooming, neat hair, nice fitting and quality clothing, good posture, and healthy weight. Essentially, the most attractive features about a person (male or female) is that they put forth some effort to shower, groom, select some nice clothes, stand up straight, and manage their diet a bit. No plastic surgery, major gym time, or extensive overhauling required.

Awesome, right? How empowering. No wonder I feel so unattractive lately. I partially blame my stupid New York social scene, in which all of the girls dress like dumpy boys and all the boys dress like Fitzgerald fops. I literally have been not taking care of myself at ALL. And I’ve been wearing the worst clothes. Like literally Cramps T-shirts that I’ve drooled Gatorade on and Tsubi jeans with safety-pinned flies. And ratty flats and baseball hats (remember this?). And ripped fur coats. All of my furs rip. I guess I deserve it for owning so many of them.

Oh, and the best part of the article was this:

Who knew the Jersey Shore folks had the secret to attraction with G.T.L. (gym, tanning, and laundry). Although they can't seem to manage relationships (see here), they do have a point about taking care of yourself. You don't need a washboard abs "situation," or double D implants though...just a little time, care, and effort.

Groom well, buy some clothes that fit, stand up straight, smile, and be healthy. That's all it takes to be attractive, sexy, and get a date or mate. You can take the plastic surgeon off your speed dial now, stop obsessing...and go have some fun :)

This was my total epiphany moment -- the “Jersey Shore” stuff. It’s super-brilliant. OK, I know people writing on the internet about Snooki and things is unbearably corny to anyone that doesn’t watch the show, and I know this because I only watched my first episode ever literally fifteen days ago -- and up until then, I really thought people talking about "Jersey Shore" was pretty gay. Yes, lame-gay.

But, omigod, it’s so good! I watched like six episodes. It’s amazing! I feel the same way about “Louie,” which I also just discovered. I’m really trying to get into TV; I mainly find out what the good shows are from Twitter. It makes me feel so normal and social. And socialized.

But what I was saying about my epiphany is that the whole “G.T.L. (GYM. TAN. LAUNDRY.)” thing is literally the secret to happiness, or at least starting to get happy again -- for me. It’s no secret that I haven’t been in great shape lately. I’ve been considering getting out of town for a while.

(My writing would be a lot better here if I wasn't being so vague, but too bad. My grandma just learned how to use the internet and has not been feeling me, so I'm not talking about my colossal drug problems and emotional and moral depravity "issues" in detail for at least two more days.)

But I also haven’t been exercising (ever – not even walking, just taxis, and then I try not to eat much), getting any sun (ever -- it’s 5 in the morning and I haven't slept and I’m eating marshmallows on my alone bed as I type this, so you can imagine the rest of my day), and I definitely haven’t done my laundry in like two months. I’m not even going into details. Just know that people keep burning holes in my duvet and feel like I’m underwater all of the time, and laundry would be good for me.

This isn’t my funniest or brightest column and so today I think I’m going to let myself go to a tanning bed (big deal – I smoke, too; I'm not judging you for doing it; again, both will kill you; etc.), and even though I already have some tanning lotion of my own to bring, I wish I had the JWOWW Austrailian Gold pictured above and here:

JWOWW is my favorite. I like that sexy voice.

OK, so these aren’t just questions to get comments, these are questions I really, really want answers to:

1) What other TV shows should I be watching, now that I’m starting to really like TV?

2) What anti-depressants have worked for you, because my NEW psychiatrist is going to put me on one? I've never taken them.