Jane's Going to SXSW! Let's Blast Her With Tips

First tip: Annie needs to accompany her. There is no other way.

Mar 7, 2013 at 4:00pm | Leave a comment

So I heard Jane’s going to SXSWi, and that every year xoJane throws a little showcase thing, so I was like, “Oh cool, I’ll hop on that party train.” **EDIT: She'll be speaking at the interactive portion. Like, talking about the rise of xoJane and xoVain and, of course, Sassy. And guess what else? Our beloved commenters! Give her something juicy to include in her speech! Then include some gross festival shit, or whatever.**
 
“No, no, little Annie,” was Corynne’s response when I suggested I jet on down to my home state to spread the xoVain gospel at SXSW. Actually it was more like, “Ummmm… no. Can you guys seriously get out of my office?” **slams door**
 
Then some ad bro that works for Say Media PROMISED me that he’d get me down there one morning in the kitchenette. He was still drunk from the night before when he said this, which is why he was spewing lies and deceit over our nice meal of paper cup coffee and trail mix. LAME.
 
The snack room is sacred, you don’t bullshit in the snack room. 
 
I’m really not that bummed. I’d endured SX all through college, and while I won’t pretend to be a seasoned Austinite that remembers the good ol’ days when SX was actually a pleasant experience, I have absolutely noticed the exponential growth of the festival over the four or so(?) years that I partook.
 
(Please, if you’re going, use those bins whose sole reason for existence is to eat your trash. Don’t mess with Texas, you littering fucks.)
 
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This is me enduring SXSW 2012. 

 
Also, wandering around Sixth St. asking locals, “Where ees the party at?” is a surefire way to get deported, you unprepared Swedish people that come ALL THE WAY TO TEXAS with no plans! No passes? NO RSVP’S?!?!? 
 
I actually have some really fond memories of those spring breaks spent at SX. Like speeding down Guadalupe in a “California Teen Choir” school bus, wearing purple wigs and shooting cap guns out the windows, to Spider House where we played jump rope in the alleyway before heading to The Grand for my first Shannon and the Clams experience. And riding my bike through gridlocked traffic from Hyde Park to South Congress to see Rocky Erickson play with Billy Gibbons. Old people are cool! Annnnd… I honestly don’t remember much else. 
 
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This was, like, eight days into party mode--you can do it and still look decent! That's James from this really awesome band, The Cosmonauts. Everybody should check them out.

 
I want Jane to not remember as much as I didn't, and still look good doing it! You guys, she’s the FEATURED speaker, and she’ll be divulging all of her secrets (via a huge game of telephone), teaching everyone in attendance how to become a successful media mogul. It’s a big deal, and no lollygagging Swedes will be allowed to just wander on in, because you’ll definitely need a pass to see it.
 
And since apparently I won’t be going (although I know they’re just telling me that so as not to ruin my half-birthday surprise), I at least want to send her down with some good tips. 
 
Beauty-wise I’d advise that she coat herself in a quarter-inch of SPF, but this is all for naught because it’s Jane Pratt, she’ll be taking helicopters with heavily-tinted windows to and from wherever she needs to be. It’s Jane Pratt. 
 
“Festival” beauty is a topic deserving of its very own xoVain article, but there are four things that will keep you looking fresh.
 
One: moisturizer. I'm currently loving this one from Mario Badescu. Put some in a contact lens case (favorite travel lip from an xoJane commenter!), so it’s not taking up a ton of space in your purse.
 
(Bonus tip: small purses with long straps. Leave your huge cameras at home unless you’re ACTUALLY a photographer. It’ll hurt your shoulder! And you won’t be able to dance and climb on things!) When you find a sink, splash some water on your face and dab on the moisturizer. It’s like you were never drunk or tired to begin with!
 
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Just replace that Stella with a Lonestar, and that purse with something in a southwestern carpet pattern, and those buildings with lower ones and it's like you're in Austin!

 
Two: YSL Touche Éclat. It’s a pen, yo’s! Highlight your face and conceal your under-eye circles with it.
 
Three: lipstick. Pick a shade (not too glossy or it won’t last) that looks good on you -- pink, reddish coral… you know, classic lipstick colors. My color of choice is Stay Mauve. Dab it on your lips and cheeks and temples so you don’t look dead. 
 
Four: Guerlain Terracotta Loose Powder Kohl Liner in black. It’s a black powder liner that comes in a vial with a stick to use to line your waterline. I, however, take it a step further and use it to smudge some blackness at the outer corners of my eyes, which I then smear upwards with my grimy SX fingers into the worst/best cat eye ever that may or may not result in pinkeye.
 
Also: be sure to bend over with your face angled downward so you’re not sprinkling the black powder soot on your cheeks as you apply. I usually save this for the end of the day. It’s, like, my “nighttime” festival look… because you’re not going home to refresh. Endurance!
 
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Coincidentally, I don't actually need to be at SXSW to look super busted and have really greasy hair.

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I only line the outer sides of my waterline because it makes me look feline and mysterious without having little beady eyes.

 
And that’s where my festival beauty advice ends for SXSW… I’m not concerned with body odors or greasy hair at stuff like this. In fact, I re-met my current boyfriend at SX a couple of years ago smelling like trash juice, and blew out a snot rocket brown with festival-ground dust shortly after.
 
It’s OK to be a little gross at this kind of thing -- as long as you have a hot little smudgy cat eye and pinched cheeks, ya feel? 
 
Jane will be anything but gross, obviously. She’s an adult that runs a huge website and radio show and newspaper… I doubt she’ll even have to walk anywhere. Where are some places that we can send her in Austin that won’t be soooo overrun with SX? I was thinking somewhere on the East Side like brunch at Blue Dahlia, then vintage shopping on N Loop, followed by an all-night drug binge at Hotel Vegas. 
 
What do you guys think? Austin homies, where you at? Spew some festival beauty knowledges! Tell Jane how great it is that she’s surprising me with tickets to Austin next week! (It’s so wonderful, Jane. Truly, THANK YOU!)
Posted in Beauty, Jane, sxsw, festivals, music