HOW TO: Smell Exactly Like Suntan Lotion Without Actually Wearing Any Boring Suntan Lotion

Omigod, I made THE best beauty discovery in Miami this weekend.

Jan 31, 2012 at 12:00pm | Leave a comment

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Well hi! As you may or may not have read, I just took a vaguely controversial long weekend in Miami (and no, I didn't actually get in trouble). Actually, this top picture is of the pool/ocean set-up of the Ritz-Carlton Fort Lauderdale, where I spent the first night of my trip before heading on to South Beach.

Anyway, I didn’t wear sunscreen (except on my face), because I don’t get down like that. I do, however, love to smell like sunscreen. In case you missed it, an excerpt from an old (well, like five months old) story of mine about sunscreen, elegantly titled "The Drugstore Product That Will Make Everyone Want To Have Sex With You (BONUS: No Cancer!)":

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This one is gonna be short and sweet, because I have to go home and smoke some pot. No, I am joking. But seriously, I don't feel like writing a lot. And my hands are greasy, because I've been sitting her applying sunscreen to my legs indoors at night like a weirdo. But boy, do I smell f*&kable! Trust.

Yes. You see, my favorite, favorite scent in the entire world is that of cheap, classic sunscreen. Banana Boat, Coppertone, Hawaiian Tropic, whatever: I use it year-round on my neck, arms, and chest every morning for the fragrance alone, and reply throughout the day.

Yes, it makes you wildly alluring to other people. In my experience it makes dudes creepy on the spot. Your sort-of boyfriend's sleazy friends will get up in your space and start sniffing your neck like cadaver-finding dogs in the movies do, right before they find the dead prostitute.

Guys who smell me wearing sunscreen always say one of exactly two dumb things, which are A) "You smell like the beach!" and "Why do you smell like suntan lotion?" I mean, is that a trick question? Answer: Because I am wearing suntan lotion! Stupid men.

And so on. Sorry to do excerpts of previous stories two days in a row! I don’t usually do that.

Anyway, there are a few things I’ve discovered that really, really make you smell sunscreen-y and amazing. Actually, there are nine million great products like this, but I’m going to just cover what I actually used in Miami in this article today.

So I took this fragrance to Miami with me:

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Demeter’s Suntan Lotion Cologne! It’s lovely and summery and sort of one-note (even though it is actually multi-dimensional, with orange blossom), just how I like my fragrances. You can get it in a teensy little midget bottle, so you don’t even have to check it when you fly.

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Then my favorite discovery was at the gift shop by the Ritz pool on that first day (where I phoned in to the xoJane staff meeting from a chaise lounge – I’m an editor at large, darlings). This stuff is called the Island Company LOCAL Dark Tanning Oil:

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…and it’s about as quietly glam as it gets. Don’t you love that packaging? The product is called LOCAL because the other sun products from the brand are called cute things: like, the SPF 6 is called ISLANDER, the SPF 15 is called TRAVELER, and the SPF 30 is called TOURIST. Clever.

The company also makes a very appealing-sounding ... drinking device (?) (whatever; it's confusing!) called the Quit Your Job 24 oz. Tervis Tumbler (see?), which looks like this:

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Though of course I would never consider doing such things. Mwahahaha. Well, at least not the falling in love part. I'm emotionally defective, bitch!

But back to the LOCAL Dark Tanning Oil -- God, does it smell good. GORGEOUS. And it’s slightly dark-tinted, so it makes you look gleamy and fantastic.

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At home in the city, I literally never go out at night without a layer of body oil on to make my arms, chest and -- when seasonally appropriate -- legs have a pretty sheen that makes muscle tone more visible, and this is my new favorite.

Plus, it smells -- again -- so fucking amazing! Sorry to curse, but I had to. And by sorry I mean I am not sorry at all.

And look at how tan it got me (ignore the fried ocean hair; I'm trying to) after one day:

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Uh huh. Obsessed!

What are your favorite beachy-smelling products? Or actual products for the beach? Go nuts, because I’m going to ask Julie to call them all in and do a special reader recommendations post. Just made that up on the spot, but it works, I’ve been meaning to do the same thing for vanillas! XO

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