Semen and the 4 Other Weirdest Things I’ve Ever Put In My Hair

According to the Internet, semen might promote hair growth because of some of the vitamins it contains.

Aug 20, 2014 at 4:00pm | Leave a comment

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Alright, so as we’ve established time and again that I’m weirdly obsessed with my hair. If it wouldn’t freak my husband out, I’d probably sing it gentle French lullabyes at night. Since I spent all of my lessons with my French tutor as a child busily having a massive overwhelming crush on said tutor (she was a Smith college student who played rugby), I have to settle for the next weirdest things in hair care.
Here are the strangest substances I've put in my hair that worked at all so far:
 
1. Black coffee:
 
Why I did it: Coffee is just about the perfect pH for human hair, since it's mildly acidic just like human sebum. This makes it a great rinse for removing build-up, plus some studies show transdermal doses of caffeine can increase the rate of hair growth.
 
What did it do: Still working out if it does anything for my growth rate, but it gives my dark hair real shine and leaves my hair smelling deliciously of coffee. Which I mean, if you like coffee, is great. It smells sort of weird combined with some conditioners though, so make sure you use a shampoo and conditioner with a complementary scent. (Like one of those warm honey-oat-y types.)
 
2. Catnip Tea:
 
Why I did it: Catnip tea (boiling water poured over catnip leaves and left to steep for 5 hours), is wonderfully conditioning and is also great at reducing the incidence of split ends. I use mine as a leave-in spritz, but you can also use it as a rinse.
 
What did it do: It smells weird, so I like to use Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab’s Hair Oils to cover up the smell, but it does leave my hair shiny and as far as I can tell REALLY reduces the number of split ends I get.  Also a container of catnip will last for ages. I just brew the tea, strain out the leaves and pour it into a spritz-y bottle.
 
3. Semen:
 
Why I did it: It wasn’t on purpose, but things happen. According to the Internet, semen might promote hair growth because of some of the vitamins it contains.
 
What did it do: Honestly upon rinsing it out I was surprised by how soft, silky and manageable my hair felt. However, I’m fairly sure that the indignity of trying to source the stuff outweighs the benefits. I mean, “Seeking philanthropic gentleman to ejaculate in my hair so that it looks better, no sex, just hair jizzing,” is a terrible title for a Craigslist ad.  
 
As to whether it promotes hair growth, I can’t say I’m sure, as further research would be required.
 
4. A Mixture Of Honey, Vegetable Glycerin and Conditioner:
 
Why I did it: Honey and glycerin are both impressive humectants (meaning they draw water to the hair, keeping it moisturized).  This is not recommended for people with very porous hair, or hair that tends to frizz up/get angry when water is introduced.
 
What it did: t felt really nice going in (the conditioner really cuts out the stickiness factor of the honey and glycerin) and felt really nice washing out. And then it left my hair feeling weirdly damp for like a week afterward, which does suggest that as humectants go, this stuff is impressive. But it’s probably best left to hair that’s feeling truly parched, or those that are going for a wet look.
 
5. Acetone:
 
Why I did it: Right now you’re probably freaking out, wondering what in god’s name I must have been thinking, but I had a good reason! Namely, I’d managed to get nail glue into a small section of my hair, it was stuck together and I didn’t want to cut it out, and so I rubbed some acetone on the area.
 
What it did: Well, it certainly wasn’t good for my hair, but it was better than just lopping the whole area out. I was worried it would just melt my ends off, but it didn’t. So basically, if you ever end up in the horrible situation of having super glue in some part of your hair, there is a solution. Also you might want to tie back your hair before you attempt to fix a wobbly acrylic. I’m just telling you because I don’t want you to make the same mistakes in life I have.  
 
Which is why I’m also going to take the opportunity to tell you that “someone who spent their entire paycheck on a gold-plated airsoft gun” and “someone who you should be sleeping with” are never the same someone.