I don’t have children. I love kids, but I don’t have any. What I do have is a lifelong love of baby grooming products that borders on obsessive. And it all began with an addiction to baby oil that dates back to my teenage years.
Junior year of high school, I saw this commercial for baby oil: A woman, looking hydrated and happy in an outdoor shower, advised all of us watching "Guiding Light" to apply this product to our wet skin and let it air dry for hydrated, smooth goodness.
My first thought was wow, I have dry skin and I’m lazy...this sounds like a dream come true. I purchased some as soon as possible and tried it, emerging from my bathroom with unspeakably soft skin.
I have repeated that process with heavier lotions in the winter, but the baby-oil-without-towel-drying trick has become a beauty routine staple, and it was the gateway to a lifelong exploration of baby beauty products.
I started in on diaper cream after getting my first tattoo. The tattoo artist, a former boyfriend, explained that diaper rash cream would help the tattoo heal and help with the hurt that was soon to follow. I resisted (because, diaper cream) until the pain almost caused me to pass out later that next afternoon.
Now I carry diaper cream with me everywhere. I use it on chapped lips, dishpan hands, and butt chaffing after particularly long spinning classes without a gel seat. Get in here and try it with me, the water’s fine.
The other great love of my life? Baby bath, particularly the nighttime formula. People, if it can console a fussy infant who can’t rationalize that his/her discomfort really isn’t worth fretting over, it can soothe the mind of an adult with a bad breakup or a particularly evil boss.
Baby bath can calm your nerves -- and if you can’t sleep, throw some into the tub and bring along a cup of warm milk with a dash of cinnamon and a tablespoon of honey. I defy you to try to stay awake long enough not to sink under the water. Set a timer. Get out, go to bed. Done.
Also, the most beautiful thing about using baby bath as a grown ass woman? It doesn’t cause yeast infections or vaginal irritation like some other perfume-y bath products. I’m totally serious. If you suffer from these issues, try the baby product route.
I thought my love of kiddie beauty was crazy until I started dating a guy who loves to use baby shampoo on his thick, seemingly never-ending hair. He says other shampoos leave too much buildup and are way harsh. Clearly, we’re made for each other, bound together by many interests, including our love of the products suited for the kids we don’t currently have.
I stand by my love of baby products. But that's where I'm drawing the line.
As much as I love babies, I love handing them back to their parents even more. Maybe someday, but for now I’ll settle for collecting Baby Magic products in my bathroom.
Do you use baby products as a properly grown up person? Have you discovered new and strange uses for child grooming products or is this just really weird for you?