I Tested Out Lip Stuffs on a Bunch of Tinder Dates So You Don't Have To (OR YOU CAN, WHATEVER)

It's all over my face, isn't it?

Dec 31, 2013 at 3:00pm | Leave a comment

I'm the queen of all distraction.

"So instead of eating Ben & Jerry's and watching romcoms, you downloaded Tinder?" I'm texting with one of the guys I was matched with on the app, whose name probably begins with a J. Jason, John, Joe, something like that. 

I usually don't tell these dudes I recently went through a breakup until I meet them in person. This guy had inquired what my expectations were, though, and I didn't really care. 

"Full disclosure: I went through a breakup, like, a couple months ago," the real-life conversation typically goes. I take a bite of sushi or quesadilla or whatever food we're eating, chew it, and continue. "I'm really not looking to jump into anything serious right now." 

Maybe it'd be different if I would've joined Match.com, a site that markets itself as the platform for finding a compatible relationship -- and perhaps even TRUE LOVE -- based on some algorithm.

But with Tinder, you simply set your preferences (mine is men between the ages of 26-40 within a 29 mile radius) and swipe at people's faces until it alerts you that you're a match, and then you can start messaging with them.

Your profile consists of a tagline and 4-5 pictures, and maybe a few common interests based on what you like on Facebook, or mutual friends --  also found via Facebook -- and that's about it. The notion of dating casually, and not looking for anything "serious" is pretty much already implied. 

You probably know all of this already, though.

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This is my main profile picture, 'cause it's me in a flower noose at a house-destroying party, and I think that accurately depicts my personality.

"I'm a serial monogamist," I tell a guy on our third or fourth date. We're tucked in this dark lounge-area in the back of a bar where his friend sits next to us, playing on his phone, also gearing up to meet a girl he talked to on Tinder. 

This guy -- whose name doesn't begin with a J -- and I always manage to get the perfect seat in these packed bars and restaurants on the most annoyingly crowded nights. We've already exchanged music, and have a couple of inside jokes.

When I tell him I'm a serial monogamist, and I can't be that person anymore, and I'm dating casually, hence Tinder, what I'm really saying is, "Don't fall for it when I try to make you my boyfriend."

I could've taken a pottery class or joined a yoga studio. Since I rely solely on external validation to feel good about myself -- this is something I'm working on -- I downloaded Tinder, started dating a bunch of guys, and took on so much work that I need to hire an assistant. 

Again, distraction: I'm good at it.

WOW. This was supposed to be a pleasant post about making out and lip stuffs and how fun Tinder can be, especially in L.A. Rachel beat me on the sucking faces angle over at xoVain, though, and I think I've fallen into the disenchanted phase with Tinder and am now wondering who I am and what I'm doing with my life. 

However, throughout my escapades of eating many types of food and attending holiday parties and occasionally making out with men I hardly know, I've come across some lip stuffs that, full disclosure: you should probably buy right now, as they are awesome, even when they're sort of smeared all over your face.

Stay All Day® Liquid Lipstick by Stila in Beso ($22, sephora.com)

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It's sold out on Sephora.com right now, isn't it? That's because it's perfect. Don't get discouraged! Sign up to get the e-mail when it's back in stock and POUNCE when you get that notification. Or, I don't know, maybe go to the store? Psh.

Beso, or "true red," applies opaquely, like paint, and has this wonderful vanilla scent that I'm obsessed with. It dries matte.

Every woman asks what lipstick it is when I have it on (I repeat: it is perfect), and my friend's little sister who I don't even know that well asked to borrow it when I ran into her the other night. 

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Erm, yes, I'm going to show off my nails that have made me incapable of doing ANYTHING as much as I can. Wearing Stila's Stay All Day Liquid Lipstick in Beso ($22, sephora.com). 

HOW IT HOLDS UP: While eating and drinking, it stays true to its name and doesn't budge. When I was out in Chicago the day before Thanksgiving (aka Blackout Wednesday) I re-applied once and didn't even really need to. 

Make out once, on the other hand, and it's a mess.

"It's all over my face, isn't it?" I asked the same guy who I told to not be fooled by my be-my-boyfriend-I'm-so-needy trap. 

"No, it actually stayed on pretty well," he lied. His lips were red.

Once it's on your skin, it's a pain in the ass to get off, so bring some concealer and a sponge if you're planning on hardcore making out with someone. An innocent lovely lady kiss and some drinks and you'll be fine.

Velvetines by Lime Crime in Pink Velvet ($20, limecrime.com)  

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My friend let me borrow this stain in Red Velvet -- which is also always sold out, and Lime Crime's notification system SUCKS, so expect to be stalking the site if you want it -- when I was visiting NYC for my friend's birthday where she rented a party bus and we went to a rollerskating rink in Long Island. It was magical.

I loved it, so I bought it (only after checking in on the site for like, a week) and the new shade, Pink Velvet, too.

This stain also comes out opaque and matte. The hue is that bright Barbie pink. It kind of reminds me of Schiap by Nars -- but just a LITTLE bit darker, and less high-maintenance.

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With Lime Crime's Velvetines in Pink Velvet ($20, limecrime.com)

HOW IT HOLDS UP: In NYC, once we got to the rink, and the drink stash in the bus was depleted, and one girl got depressed that no one would dance to "Push It" on the pole with her, I realized the stain was just on the edge of my lips and had to re-apply in the weird roller rink bathroom. This obviously didn't deter me from buying it, though.

On dates, or WHILST MAKING OUT, it doesn't smear so much as it simply disappears. Eating dinner, no smudges. And with drinks, again, eventually, you'll have that faded lip-liner look going on. 

TIPS FOR BOTH:

  • Application can be a little tricky/potentially a disaster, like liquid-eyeliner cat eyes. I use Q-Tips Precision Tips ($3.30, soap.com) for clean up and to create those hard lines. 
  • Let them dry COMPLETELY before putting your mouth on anything at all. 

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Or else you'll look like this.

  • On that note, I wore that black-and-white top on a date when I was wearing Beso, some got on my shirt when I hadn't let it dry enough, and Dryel's Stain Remover Pen saved my ass. Or my shirt. Whatever.

OK, well now I'm bumming. Off to join a writer's group or something! Validate me?

Talk to me on Twitter: @caitlinthornton

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