Since New York Fashion Week is coming up, I’ve just decided to ignore it completely today and focus on the least pressing, least relevant genre of beauty products of all: stuff that has WEED in it. I got stoned last night and, as is my custom, sort of regretted it. Generally what happens is that I eat way too much and fall asleep, and that’s like, ick. Not for me.
What I DO enjoy, however, is a good old-fashioned stoner beauty product! Yes, these items are all infused with the good stuff, and thusly make good gifts for like a quarter of the people you know. Really! One of my best friends, Shaun, is the biggest pothead I know. For example.
Anyway, Shaun is VERY fond of smoking weed illegally in night clubs, sometimes with celebrities. A few weeks ago when we were at the always-glamorous Gold Bar, downtown in Soho, Joe Jonas was there, too (the picture above is of me at my friend Eric's wreck of an apartment -- not at Gold Bar, obvs)!
I saw Joe Jonas from across the room -- which is where I was when I watched THIS happen (though I'll let Shaun tell it, because he's so funny):
“We were sitting in the DJ booth at Gold Bar on Sunday night and we started smoking weed. Joe Jonas was standing outside the booth wearing a black suit. He looked very slender, especially in the hips -- quite slender. He easily had a $500 haircut. It was like a whiteboy flattop – not a Caesar. Almost pomapdour-ish. He wasn’t wearing cologne that I could tell, but he looked like the type who would wear John Varvatos.
So we started to smoke and Joe smelled it and reached over and asked the DJ if he could smoke. The DJ told him it wasn’t his pot – then he pointed us out to Joe Jonas, and Joe tapped me on the shoulder and asked if he could smoke. He tapped me on the shoulder – no, not a rub. It was a non-sexual tap. I didn’t ask him about Frankie Jonas, the Bonus Jonas – I just let him bro out with his bros. It was him and his boys. There were girls there too, but it was like 4 or 5 dudes. Anyway, Joe came in the booth and we passed him the joint. He was really nice and said thank you and everything [I TOTALLY SAW THIS HAPPEN! -Cat]
When he was smoking with us, it was my weed – it wasn’t that big of a joint, though. You're not supposed to smoke at Gold Bar, obviously -- it's not like they let us; we had to sneak it. Later that night, Joe came back into the DJ booth and smoked his OWN joint. It was much bigger than ours had been. He looked very stoned, dancing around. They didn’t play any Jonas Brothers. He danced to Justin Timberlake’s 'Like I Love You.' And that’s my It Happened To Me: I Smoked Weed With Joe Jonas.”
FASCINATING. I always knew all those Jonas Brothers were party boys! HUNKY junkies! Especially that little one, Frankie. You know – the Bonus Jonas. Look, here he is on Twitter. (And do you follow ME on Twitter yet? DO IT!)
These have loads of the good stuff -- WEED, or at least hemp seed extract, which apparently is known for it's mousturizing and restorative properties. Uh-huh. I like these mainly because they would offend my dad, a Republican who has never tried drugs his whole life, and would totally judge you if you told him you have them. A set of two hand soaps is $22, so you can give one to your pothead neighbor and keep one for yourself.
Next are these awesome products from Soap Is Beautiful's Apothecanna Medical Marijuna Skincare line:
I love them! Lip Buzz! Pain Creme! Just like doctors prescribe medical marijuna to cancer patients to treat their discomfort, I prescribe it thusly to you in the form of balm and ointment to treat your chapped lips and body aches. Why the hell not? The packaging is sort of to die; I'm obsessed with the whole brand. The products are super-silky and crazy-amazing to massage into skin and packed with cannabis oil and shea butter and all that stuff. They will also not cause you to fail a drug test -- it says so on the website. Sweet! Thank God Say Media doesn't test me for drugs, though -- that's all I'm saying.
Third up is the famous Malin + Goetz Cannabis Candle:
It's a lush and green-smelling candle that also comes in terribly chic packaging, dears. I advise you to burn it after you've smoked all the ACTUAL weed I know you have stored under your television or whereever at home. It costs $52 and burns for $60 -- a deal, considering that a $50 bag of weed will last you only approximately 6 hours (well, if you're ME). The website calls it "modern and addictive"; I call it "the candle of my dreams." SOLD.
It has notes of patchouli and orange and lemon and things, too. I know you hippies love it. I bet it's what Keanu Reeves smells like. You know?!
Finally, let's end with a beauty classic, Fresh Cannabis Rose Eau de Parfum. AHHH, I love it:
Now not everyone is a ROSE person, and not everyone is a CANNABIS person, but some people are both (my relative, for example), and ALL people are FRESH people. Yup, it's one of the loveliest beauty brands ever, and almost everything is fantastic. (Well, except for their Umbrian Clay Toothpaste. Sorry, Fresh -- you know I love you, but brushing your teeth with that stuff is literally like stuffing your mouth full of mud! I have tried it SEVERAL times. Maybe it is an ACQUIRED taste.)
Anyway, this perfume is about as pretty as it gets. Imagine the most lush and gorgeous hidden rose garden in all of England at dusk at the end of summer ... and then imagine spreading out a blanket in the middle of it and lighting up a Philly stuffed with the mildest-smelling weed! And there's the perfume -- it's divine. Ah, earthy pleasures: they're OK because they're NATURAL.
Anyway, there are my favorite doin'-drugs-with-Disney-star-stories and pothead beauty buys. You like?