If there’s one thing Jane Pratt knows, it’s how to be an extraordinarily dumb blonde! It’s like when she was all super-skinny and toned and Courteney Cox-looking in the bod a few months ago, she wasn't happy with it, right? She came through to the office chattering like a moron about wanting to gain weight and what she should eat to pack on the pounds and blah blah blah. This was like ... June.
At the time, I gave her the sneaky, ultra-disrespectful side eye that I reserve especially for when I want my mega-famous and powerful bosses to know that they’re retarding. “Jane,” I said. “You’re so dumb. You’re going to gain weight, and you’re going to hate it!”
“Nooo,” she giggled. “I need to! I want to!”
PFFFFT. RIGHT-O, Janey. DUMB! Not three months later I’m in Jane’s office and she shows me an iPhone video of her new midriff bulge – which, obvs, she is so not into! [Cat's interpretation. ] “Jane,” I said again. “You’re so dumb.”
God bless her. But bitch is chic! That’s because dumb blonde is always TRENDING, and I’m here to put my mega-authorative and all-powerful (I mean, not really) stamp on that statement to make it true on the Internet. Being a dumb blonde requires many things, mainly a good colorist and sexy products, plus a penchant for locking yourself out of your apartment for days at a time (me) and/or compulsively Jon Benet-ing your third grader and taking her to bars and movie star compounds in Malibu instead of, say, summer camp, and confusing her by telling her that earthquake evacuations are fun whilst hauling her shakily down a stairwell. But I digress. Jane, I love you!
OK, so the first product that I really love for blonde hair is PURPLE SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER. It’s the stuff that old ladies use on their gray to take the yellow out. For highlights or otherwise bleached hair, purple shampoo and conditioner (it’s important to use the conditioner with the shampoo – colorists say that the latter is what really does the most important work, stripping strands of brassiness, a.k.a orange-y yellow grossness of any kind, and makes hair “cool” blonde (that’s more white-ish than banana-y, if you follow) are totally crucial.
I’m particularly fond of Bumble and bumble Color Support Shampoo and Conditioner for Cool Blondes:
The other classic one (which is cheaper but harder to find – order online or try a beauty supply store) is Clairol Professional Shimmer Lights Shampoo and Conditioner. Neither are wildly conditioning, so it’s important to alternate washes with regular, softening shampoo and conditioner, especially if you’re a fried blondie like I am, and not just because I’m a party girl. Party woman. Person. Whatevs.
For my non-purple shampoo days, I love Bed Head TIGI’s Dumb Blonde Shampoo and Conditioner, which was vaguely the inspiration for this post (aside from Jane). It’s highlight-brightening and it WORKS – you can see a difference when you step out of the shower and still have wet hair; the white streaks are whiter and the golden bits are … more golden. Overall, it’s just a fabulous dumb-ifying in-shower experience:
Finally, it’s really important to protect blond hair from the sun. Yes, this is the most boring step that I always always want to skip, but no, bunnies, it must be done.
Pureology, who makes some of the most fantastic for-colored-hair products on the market today, has a new line for blondes that I’m super-into, and their PERFECT4PLATINUM Miracle Filler Antifade Complex spray is particularly rad. No, I don’t get the whole “Miracle Filler” name part either, but just trust that if you spray it onto dry-ish hair before you leave the house every day, you’re totally doing yourself a massive favor:
The products are also loaded with color-enhancing botanical extracts like chamomile, lemon, and coriander; they are additionally sulfate-free, all-natural-esque and I guess vaguely good for you, if you care about that sort of thing, which I don’t because, well, I’m dumb – as previously established here. Durrr.
SO: what’s your ultimate dumb blonde moment, even if you’re not actually legally a blonde? And what do you use to take care of your highlights and things? Comments section s'il vous plait.