I Bought This Fancy Laser Gun For My Face Because I’m Terrified Of Looking Old

I’m only recently coming back around to caring about stuff like what my face looks like, and have been slowly re-introducing myself to stuff like “skincare.” By slowly, I mean suddenly and impulsively BUYING ALL THE SKIN THINGS.

Jun 20, 2014 at 10:00am | Leave a comment

Last Mother’s Day, my sister and I were in Trader Joe's to buy flowers for our mom. We picked out our bouquet and were standing in the checkout line when the woman waiting in front of us turned around, smiled, and said, “Your daughter is so cute.” 
 
Uh. My sister’s 16. I’m 23. 
 
My sister’s kind of a smallish person, so the woman might have thought my sister was 12-ish, which is reasonable, because a lot of people who don’t know her tend to assume she’s younger than she really is. And it’s not unheard of for youngish-looking people to have youngish-looking kids. Unless the lady assumed that I’m older? Like much older? Wait. How much older? 
 
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Last year I had to start wearing special orthotic inserts in my shoes because apparently I have the beginnings of what looks like arthritis in my feet. I also haven’t been able to eat solid food for the past week and my mouth is full of stitches from oral surgery. My dentist and my doctor have both told me they’re really sorry, but for some reason, I have the foot and mouth issues of a much older person. Now I can’t wear heels anymore, and my mouth looks like Frankenstein’s asshole. Who want to make out?  
 
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#IWOKEUPLIKETHIS

 
It’s totally ridiculous for someone in their 20s to complain about to looking/feeling/being “old”, I know. I’m not saying I think I look old, or feel old, because people in their 20s aren’t old, whatever “old” means, or that I’m afraid of eventually getting “older” or aging, because it’s probably awesome in a lot of ways. And unless I choke on a pretzel chip and die in front of the TV one night when no one else is around, I look forward to being a totally badass, geriatric motherf*cker. I’m too young to complain about feeling old, I get it. But is it too much to ask to want to look like a 23-year-old?
 
I started on antidepressants a couple months ago after I’d stopped getting out of bed. Personal hygiene? Who needs it? Not me. Who cares? Whatever. I’m only recently coming back around to caring about stuff like what my face looks like, and have been slowly re-introducing myself to stuff like “skincare.” By slowly, I mean suddenly and impulsively BUYING ALL THE SKIN THINGS.
 
 
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It’s a hand-held wand that radiates LED light, with interchangeable red, blue, and green light panels. The different colored panels are supposed to correct pigmentation, eliminate acne, and improve the overall texture and look of your face-skin, and they each stimulate your cells in a different way: the blue light targets acne-causing bacteria, the green light works on hyper-pigmentation, and the red light is for improving skin elasticity and stimulating collagen production in the cells. I impulse-bought it for about $40 on Groupon Goods, but it’s usually around $100.
 
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Get the gear. 

 
I’m not really sure what it is exactly about the light that makes it do nice things for your skin, but it’s basically the same idea as a photofacial, except the light is an LED, not an actual laser. Also, DO NOT LOOK INTO THE LIGHT!
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The “before”. I promise I’m not mad, I just have a very bitchy neutral expression. Also, I don’t know how to smile with my mouth closed.

 
The Aurora has to be used on a SUPER clean, freshly-washed, naked face, so no moisturizer, luminizer, toner, NOTHING. The color panels also have to be kept ULTRA clean and wiped down with rubbing alcohol after you use them, otherwise you’ll just be recycling your face oils over and over.
 
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I followed the instructions inside the box and swiped the blue light over my face for nine minutes in “pulsating” mode, and fifteen minutes in “continuous.” The device is lightweight, and it beeps whenever it’s time to focus the light on a different area of your face. I did this about four times per week for two weeks alternating the color panels, but only for about five minutes at a time MAX because 24 minutes is a really long time to be standing in front of the mirror with this thing plugged into the wall. It’s probably best to plug it in near your TV or laptop so you have something to entertain you while you wait, or you could just stand there looking at yourself the whole time like I did. 
 
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 The LED wand also doubles as a nightlight.
 
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After about two weeks, I did see a BIG improvement in the general look of my skin. I’m super pale and my skin is kind of translucent, so I’ve accepted the fact that I’m always going to have some degree of weird pigmentation going on, but the bumpy redness I had before is GONE, and my skin is brighter and glowier. 
 
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The "after"

 
When my arthritic feet and Frankenstein mouth eventually decide to fall off and disintegrate, I’ll at least have decent skin. 
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