Skype Sex: How To Look Hot Via Webcam

Think pixelated stage makeup.
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Publish date:
May 29, 2013
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Tags:
tutorials, makeup, contouring, videos, photogenic, Skype, webcam

I think I spent too much time while I was in a long-distance relationship convincing myself that I could be in a long-distance relationship. Before I start sounding like I’m trying to make any far-reaching generalizations about long-distance relationship--or any relationship for that matter--I’ll start by advising you to do whatever you want. It’s your life. Experiment.

If you find yourself, like me, wanting to be with somebody in a different time zone, often times a different time zone two to three times a week, don’t not try it out! You’ll do a lot of texting and Facebook chatting and virtual-reality-type hang time. Then you realize that you get 80% of your dude through a screen, and there’s no looking up that that’ll ever change.

You might then decide that it’s time to start living in the real world instead of waiting by your phone for the next text, or staying up until four in the morning to email back and forth with him trying to use the shotty internet of the strange French girl who’s apartment he’s sleeping in that night. You know he’s there because his band is hashtagged in all of her photos. Then you feel creepy and try not to think about it or bring up that you care. Because you don’t; you trust each other! Just be cool! Don’t let it ruin your entire day.

So! Insecurities abounding, you wanna look hot when he gets a chance to steal some Skype-able Internet. The poor image quality gets most people halfway hot, like they’ve had four too many $5 well whiskeys and Lonestar backs. So you’re off to a good start.

And you’ll probably have really horrible lighting, which is another bonus in getting you to level mega-babe. My apartments in Austin had lots of hazy natural sunlight through my bedroom windows, so the lighting was actually pretty great--I mean, I really don’t need the extra hottness boost that crap lighting provides. (Yah. “Hott”--two t’s like in junior high.)

All right, let’s get started with rubbing on some makeup. From my own experience, Skype sessions are last-minute-type ordeals. Like, “Hey, I’m in some café with good internet. Video chat? I’m here for half an hour tops.”

So, here goes. Grab some bronzer that’s far too dark. Rub it around the circumference of your face, like blending out from your hairline and along your jaw, and into the hollows of your cheeks. The poor resolution will buff out a sloppy application. Also, think of this as stage makeup. It’s like your own little webcam show! So, the darker and heavier, the better.

(Keep sounding it out, or just watch the video...)

Rub some bronzer into your eye creases to make them appear more deep-set. If you want.

Then grab a well-pigmented lipstick; it doesn’t even matter if it’s your perfect shade because, again, this isn’t HDTV. Smudge it onto your lips, even a little outside of your lip line with your fingertip. Obviously this is going to make your lips look bigger and will probably keep your long-distance boyfriend from forgetting that you’re hot. Rub some on the apples of your cheeks, too.

Eyebrows are an easy thing to emphasize via Skype, because haphazardly filling them in with a pencil or some brown or taupe eye shadow will go a long way in the quest for boners, even if you’re not particularly great at applying makeup IRL.

Now we want to reflect. Reflecting and receding are two techniques that go hand-in-hand when it comes to making you look bone-able. (Like, in a fully lit bedroom. Not drunk, awkward-morning-goodbyes bone-able.) When you darken areas by contouring, they recede. When you reflect light with highlighters, you’re making those areas seem to protrude more. You’re essentially making yourself more 3-dimensional than the average person. You’re… in a sense… superhuman. While employing these techniques subtly for in-person Skyping, otherwise known as life, is tricky, via webcam, go all out.

Take some shimmer or highlighter or even just moisturizer and rub it onto the tops of your cheekbones and on your collarbones and tops of your shoulders. Dab a bit on your cupid’s bow. Mmmwah.

You can stop here; you’re basically a junior Victoria’s Secret Angel at this point. You know, they’re trying you out with their bargain Pink line… you might get your wings next year.

Or you can move to the eyes. Make them doe-y and wide by smudging some dark pencil or powder in a little triangular, cat-eye-ish shape at the corners and brushing a thick coat of mascara just on the outer ones. Dab a bit of the highlighter in your inner corners.

All in all, this should take less an five minutes. If you need longer just be like, “Ohh, my internet is being weird! I’m on, but I can’t see you! What’s going on?” That should buy you another three or four before frustration kills the vibe.