It's gonna get sappy up in here.
OK, so first things first: Did you know that there are over 600 nicknames for the vagina? My new favorites happen to be:
- Scrambled eggs between the legs
- Lawrence of a labia
- Rooster jaws
- Cock holster
- Sausage wallet
- Chicken's tongue
- Furry 8 ball rack
- Cock socket
- Dick driveway
Hey -- don't hate the pervert, hate the gross game.
Back to the lecture at hand. I like to consider myself a pretty private person when it comes to my privates. That's why I usually wax myself whenever I'm spending an extended amount of time in London. (Whenever I'm in New York, I live in Uni-K-Wax -- they're the best EVER!)
I hate, Hate, HATE a furry twat. It's just my personal preference for a plethora of reasons. In fact, I'm not a fan of body hair in general, which is why I'm bare as a baby's bottom everywhere below my lower lash lines.
But I digress. There's been a shit ton of trial and error with this particular defuzzing process, but after years and years of doing it myself, I've finally got it down pat. Interested? First, pick up an at-home Brazilian waxing kit. These are my favorites:
- Sally Hansen Brazilian Extra-Strength Wax & Shape Kit, $11.89 at Amazon.com
- Nad's Brazilian & Bikini Wax Kit, $10.99 at Amazon.com
- Surgi-wax Brazilian Waxing Kit For Private Parts, $17.97 at Amazon.com
Of course you should follow the instructions included in the kit, but here are my three cardinal rules for snatching your own snatch bald:
1) Take Your Time, Trim Your Trim
Whenever I visit my professional waxer, I'm in and out in 10 minutes -- 15 tops. The very first time I did it myself? It took me three full fucking hours because I kept taking breaks in between pulls. Now I've shaved (ha!) that down to a mere 45 minutes, but be well aware that it may take you far longer than you think. I recommend you block out a two-hour period; that way if you get done early enough, you can spend your free time waxing other random shit, like your knuckles and toes.
Before you get started, trim your pubic hair so that it's 1/4 of an inch long. If it's too short, the wax won't catch. If it's too long, waxing will hurt much, much more. And take a little longer.
2) Get Comfortable, Be Flexible
I usually try to recreate the spa experience by setting the scene with a little easy-listening mood music and a few rose-scented candles. Since I don't have a waxing table, I lay a big beach towel out on my living room floor, right in front of one of my floor-length mirrors. (Awkward, yes, but incredibly imperative -- as a novice, you need to be able to sit up and see exactly what's happening downtown.) From there, just lie on your back, assume the spread eagle position, and get to it. I prefer to work inwards from the bikini line, as the fleshy mound right above the slit is the most sensitive part. I need a little time to get there.
Now if you choose to wax your ass crack and blowhole as well (I know I do), raise each leg up (one at a time) to a 90 degree angle. Reach out around your hip (go in under your leg) to apply the wax. If your legs get tired quickly, a 45-degree angle will do. Lifting your legs offers better access to the intricacies of your rump, plus the skin is stretched, offering up every single strand, even the microscopic ones.
3) Follow Through, Scrub Your Slot Pocket
After you're done, your genital skin has basically been traumatized and assaulted, so ingrown hairs are quite likely to occur, and they'll result in an unsightly patch of "waxing bumps." Sidestep the Star Crunch by exfoliating and swiping Tend Skin Lotion on the affected area twice a day.
And that's how you keep a picture-perfect pussy.
Do you wax your own whisker biscuit? Oh, and BTW, what's your favorite snappy nappy dugout nickname?
(Tell me on Twitter: @IndiaJewelJax)